Thursday, October 29, 2009

feeling good...

I haven't been blogging. I haven't been doing ritual or magick. I haven't been learning my new runes. I have been studying....I am reading Christopher Penczak's Temple series, just on book one. He promised it would not be Wicca 101...he better get a move on.

ANYWAY, I have been finding excuses. Too tired, too hurried, fill in the blank.

So tonight I filled the bath with smell good stuff and epsom salts and HOT water. Took some ritual stuff into the bathroom. Goddess candle, sage candle, 4 candles for spirit guides, incense and Wendy Rule. Soaked and scrubbed and let everything just drift away. I didn't ask for anything or talk to anyone. I just let the warm water and the scents and the light of the candles and the music gradually replace all the tensions of the days and weeks past.

And I got it.

I have been avoiding ritual because I have been feeling unworthy. Hurried, rushed, not very forgiving, often feeling dirty (physically...I work with horses), just not up to ritual.

How incredibly CHRISTIAN of me. Unworthy to talk to my patriarchal, unforgiving, all-mankind-is-born-sinful, wrathful GOD.

What a wake up call that was. Nothing shocks a witch like realizing that I am acting and thinking like a Christian.

Goddess isn't about forgiving me, or judging me. She could care less if I worship her or curse her. She doesn't need me....I need her. I need the acceptance that this existence just IS.
That it is about learning, not getting a passing grade. Goddess and all the goddesses that we talk to, my spirit guides...all of them are here to help me learn my lessons. They can't do that if I don't talk to them and listen to them. But it's all the same to them...I am the one who is the Seeker, they already know the answers.

So why am I avoiding them?.......because when I am tired and frazzled that old childhood conditioning starts controlling my responses. The years of being told how unworthy, how sinful, how unlovable we are and that we need to kiss the feet of this god who seems to hate us...all that baggage is still capable of causing problems. Til I drag it out into the light of day and take a close look.

Oh, and I got one more message. Apparently that 4 candle holder that I use for my spirit guides is perfectly acceptable. But the four identical candles is getting old, those 4 spirits are not only not the same, they don't even like each other least that's what I got.

Light a candle, talk to goddess or spirit. If you don't have anything to say, then just listen.


  1. great post. I totally understand how you feel. I work 40 plus hours a week and then some. So good to read that u had an aha moment. We all need those from time to time as a gentle reminder that the spirit never gets dirty or tired, just the body and the bath seemed to help with that.

  2. great post, we all need those aha moments when we realize that the spirit never gets dirty or tired. The bath did the trick.

  3. That's an inspiring insight! Thanks for sharing it!

  4. SO very true.. I think I need to do some listening tonight! I actually do the exact thing you did ;) aside from sage candles as I am not a sage fan (very unwitchy of me, I know!) I like it in food though!

  5. Just remember my dear....
    Your analogy of the situation is correct to the 4 images. They too are the product of past association. Every god or goddess which existed prior to Patriachialism is a "self-judge" creation. Those four aspects you remark on are the anger you resonate in before...during...and recognize what you are doing. Take the time through the fall/winter season to honor yourself in gentle ways. Make it a conscious effort much like the energy you spent as a child looking for approval. The fall/winter is the ancient symbol for death...right ? So underneath all those later versions of approval for lifestyle is still an older tradition of fear...for survival of the 'lean-time'.

    Light your candles but journey not for power...
    journey for beauty, for radiance, for pure spirit without gender, but most of all.....journey for love.

  6. Great post - welome back!

    I feel the same way when life gets crazy (as it does so often.) I've taken a candle holder to work (I have my own office, so I can have a candle lit) and light a candle and take a moment there, when it seems like I don't have time at home. Any moment taken to connect feels good to me!

  7. You've had quite the epiphany, haven't you? What you've discovered, for youself, will have more meaning, and have more impact than if you had read it in books, or heard it from someone else.

    Your insights were a gift, and one that I'm sure you will treasure and should always remember and carry with you, in your heart.