feeling good...

I haven't been blogging. I haven't been doing ritual or magick. I haven't been learning my new runes. I have been studying....I am reading Christopher Penczak's Temple series, just on book one. He promised it would not be Wicca 101...he better get a move on.

ANYWAY, I have been finding excuses. Too tired, too hurried, too..........you fill in the blank.

So tonight I filled the bath with smell good stuff and epsom salts and HOT water. Took some ritual stuff into the bathroom. Goddess candle, sage candle, 4 candles for spirit guides, incense and Wendy Rule. Soaked and scrubbed and let everything just drift away. I didn't ask for anything or talk to anyone. I just let the warm water and the scents and the light of the candles and the music gradually replace all the tensions of the days and weeks past.

And I got it.

I have been avoiding ritual because I have been feeling unworthy. Hurried, rushed, not very forgiving, often feeling dirty (physically...I work with horses), just not up to ritual.

How incredibly CHRISTIAN of me. Unworthy to talk to my patriarchal, unforgiving, all-mankind-is-born-sinful, wrathful GOD.

What a wake up call that was. Nothing shocks a witch like realizing that I am acting and thinking like a Christian.

Goddess isn't about forgiving me, or judging me. She could care less if I worship her or curse her. She doesn't need me....I need her. I need the acceptance that this existence just IS.
That it is about learning, not getting a passing grade. Goddess and all the goddesses that we talk to, my spirit guides...all of them are here to help me learn my lessons. They can't do that if I don't talk to them and listen to them. But it's all the same to them...I am the one who is the Seeker, they already know the answers.

So why am I avoiding them?.......because when I am tired and frazzled that old childhood conditioning starts controlling my responses. The years of being told how unworthy, how sinful, how unlovable we are and that we need to kiss the feet of this god who seems to hate us...all that baggage is still capable of causing problems. Til I drag it out into the light of day and take a close look.

Oh, and I got one more message. Apparently that 4 candle holder that I use for my spirit guides is perfectly acceptable. But the four identical candles is getting old, those 4 spirits are not only not the same, they don't even like each other much.....at least that's what I got.

Light a candle, talk to goddess or spirit. If you don't have anything to say, then just listen.

Daily Practice (cross posted with A Pagan Tapestry)

There is always talk on the pagan blogs and podcasts about daily practice. Do you or don't you, why or why not, how to if you want....

Do I have a daily practice? Well, yes and no.
I spend time each day offering time or myself to deity. I spend time each day acknowledging the presence and importance of the elements. I offer casual conversation and my beliefs are part of my life, 24/7.
However, do I perform ritual everyday, no matter how long or short, how complex or how simple?
The answer to this is no, in spite of my very best intentions, plans and the energies that pull at me.

I hear and read many people in similar circumstances who chide themselves for being too busy or a little lazy or not dedicated enough.

I have always felt that this was not the answer. Maybe those answers apply to some, some of the time. But there is more to it for some of us, for many of us.

T.Thorn Coyle wrote about this recently and her words helped me put into words the feelings that I have about this.

Fear.
Fear of the unknown. Fear that those powers are really real. Fear that taking that last step, that moving from 99.9% dedication to the goddess to 100% commitment will set in motion unstoppable changes in our lives. So we dither on the edge of the precipice.
I think there is a special, individual, unique time that we are each invited to step off that ledge.

'when you have come to the edge of all light that you know
and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown
faith is knowing one of two things will happen:

there will be something solid to stand on
or you will be taught to fly'

Patrick Overton