stumbling upon the path of the goddess

I just couldn't resist....

2011-08-15T18:42:00.001-06:00

see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!

returning to blogging

2011-07-14T20:25:00.000-06:00

I took an enforced break from blogging. I was in an accident with a horse - a loose horse came around a corner and ran right over me. I spent a few days in the hospital and when I got out I found I really couldn't concentrate well enough to write. I had a concussion; eye didn't want to focus and brain wanted to rest.
So I didn't blog for a while and then I felt that I had sort of lost interest in it. Immediately before the accident I had deleted several one topic blogs because I felt I was just spread too thin and while they interested me, there was no way to keep them current.
So I let things just slide for a while. This blog has always been intermittent, but A Pagan Tapestry was a routine of important days and practice - also a little venting. But I felt that I had run out of things to say.
A little more time went by and I slowly began to realize that A Pagan Tapestry is part of my spiritual practice. It keeps me on track so I don't just blow past important days. When I want/need more information or just become curious about something I research it and blog about it.
I have missed this part of my practice, so after spending a month or so just feeling guilty for having dropped it - remember, I was raised Catholic, I can feel guilty about anything! - I finally got back to it. Full Moon entry tonight on Tapestry.
If anyone is still reading this blog - thank you and I am back! Comments are welcome always.

a more public Pagan

2011-01-30T08:49:00.000-07:00

In just the last few years Paganism has made great leaps and bounds in becoming more public, better understood and more accepted in this country.
I love many of the things that go along with this. More public ritual and ceremony that are easy to find. More pagan publishers and a wide assortment of new books covering both modern views and researched historical theories. Many shops that carry supplies and lots and lots of fun goodies. Lots of discussion and visibility on sites like Facebook. I especially like the pages for Pagan artists, Pagan businesses etc.
Lots and lots of online classes from well respected Pagans of all traditions.

But I also find myself appalled at some of the crass commercialization of Paganism. Someone can always find a way to twist things and make a buck. And I am NOT talking about legitimate Pagan businesses, we need more of them.

But now there are snake oil salesmen selling Wicca initiations, the secrets of witches, demon fighting ebooks. It makes me a little angry, a little sad for curious people who will get sucked in, spend their money and decide that it is all a crock, because what they bought was.
I have to blame both the snake oil salemen and the people who want something (spiritual enlightment) for nothing (no effort).

I tell myself that this is no different than the Christians who display crucifixes everywhere and tell everyone they are Christian but do not attend church or read the Bible or put any effort into finding out what Christ taught. Some of them get their pockets emptied by the television preachers who are getting rich off of them. Most people can make a distinction between this and legitimate people of Christian faith. There aren't enough of us yet for that distinction to be clear. I'm sure we will get there.

But I have this nagging thought that we have awoken Old Gods or at least asked them to turn their attention to us once again, and they might be disappointed or perhaps amused, who knows?

Welcome to the 21st century, my fellow Pagans, where even the old religions can be trivialized.
I suppose it is the price we pay for coming out of the shadows and it is, in my opinion, a good argument for being as public as safely possible, each in our own way, to reinforce the concept of a serious spiritual path and help new seekers avoid the con artists and find reasonable people to answer their questions.

a need for ritual

2011-01-29T06:17:00.000-07:00

I have made some changes to my pagan blogging. I find that my blogging is tied to my ritual work. My spiritual practice carries on everyday and for a time I did not feel the need for much in the way of ritual. Now, with another turn of the Wheel, I am missing a more formal ritual practice and blogging here and on A Pagan Tapestry is a part of that practice.
I have deleted the divination blog, I have a new site for Tarot readings and if you want one from me you can always contact me here.
I have deleted the Black Cats and Full Moons blog. I loved doing the historical research for it and I will probably bring it back, I just need to figure out a schedule and let it be a treat to do it again and not something hanging over my head that is not finished.
I also deleted the resources lists, which I had moved to a separate blog because they became so extensive. It occurred to me that exactly because there was so much, it was not needed anymore. When I started these blogs just a few years ago there were a handful of pagan podcasts, one or two pagan publishers and even online stores were hard to find. Now there are hundreds of podcasts, radio shows, dozens of publishers and online and brick and mortar stores everywhere. Good changes.
I cleaned up the remaining blogs, there is no need for all those links.
Pagan Tapestry will change as the Wheel turns and this blog will become more active. The Borrowed Book of Charms is still active, many people have let me know that they are using it and I am glad for that.
I don't know what comes next, but for right now I feel a pull to move back to more ritual and these blogs are part of that.

Life and The Craft

2010-10-23T11:17:00.001-06:00

I find that as time goes by The Craft becomes more and more part of my daily life and at the same time it has simplified itself. Most of my ritual tools are safely wrapped away and seldom disturbed. My altar has become a collection of candles and a few statues. Each candle is for a specific god, goddess or spirit. A large jar candle dominates the space and is offered to Goddess and Universe.
I have tiny little altars scattered throughout the house dedicated to specific goddesses. They are tea lights and tiny tokens or pieces of jewelry on a decorative saucer.
I cast a circle, raise energy, state my intent and let it go, simply and often. It nearly always produces a result.
I do love ritual, but it just doesn't seem to be necessary when there is no time or desire. I put together a ritual for the Blood Moon and realized that it was the first time in a while that I had done something that formal.
Perhaps this is a phase too, only time will tell.

Isaac Bonewits

2010-08-12T20:08:00.002-06:00

Isaac Bonewits died today. He had a losing battle with cancer that seemed to take him away from us very quickly. I never met Isaac, but when I first started A Pagan Tapestry he came across it somehow and put a link on his site, Views from the Cyberhenge. He was very encouraging to a new Pagan blogger.
From what I have read about Isaac he was very encouraging to many people. He was also entertaining and fun on Facebook.
We need more, not fewer, Pagans like him. Involved from their head to their toes, 24/7, teaching, writing, talking, arguing. Part of Paganism is the individual, intellectual pursuit of knowledge.
In Isaac's name, let us not lose sight of that.


Isaac Bonewits 1949-2010

be careful what you 'ward'

2010-07-31T13:47:00.001-06:00

One morning this week I was listening to a podcast where warding was being discussed and I choked on my coffee.
Sometimes I am my own worst enemy and the results can be hilarious or dismaying. This time it was hilarious.

I sometimes drive home in a funk after doing some shopping in the afternoons. I am pissed off about being run over, cut in front of and treated rudely by other shoppers. I start off being annoyed and sometimes end up ranting about it.

Guess who is causing this? ME!
I go into the store wanting to just get done quickly, not run into anyone that wants to chat, just get it over with and get home. I am so focused on this that I am making myself invisible. I am warding off any interaction with others. So they cut in front of me, run into my cart, step on my foot..... I'm hard to see. I had no idea I was so effective, but I am really focused. I'm just experiencing an unwanted side effect.

I laughed so hard I nearly cried, but at least now I know what is going on.

Tarot and me

2010-07-19T21:27:00.003-06:00

One change in the last few months is that I have gotten serious about the Tarot. I have dabbled for many years, picking them up and putting them down, but now I find myself using them everyday, sometimes just one card, sometimes for a reading with a spread and sometimes for meditation.
Unlike some readers I do not look for the future in the cards, other than a probable or likely outcome. I find them much more useful for considering the present from many different angles and choosing a course of action based on that.
I have done a little reading for others, but I find that a lot of people are stuck in the past and mainly interested in finding a reader who will tell them that a love interest from their past is still in love with them. I find that depressing, especially since the cards rarely, if ever, support that. So I am very cautious about who I read for.
But I use them daily for my own connection to spirit.
I was surprised to find out only recently that some readers never do a reading for themselves and think that such a reading would be inaccurate. I probably wouldn't be so interested in the Tarot if I felt that way. I'm glad I was never told that when I first started out learning about Tarot.

The deck I use the most is the Mystical Dreamer, I get very strong messages from this deck.

I recently acquired a brand new deck, Shadowscapes Tarot. The images are incredible, but I am having trouble with some of the cards.

So, while the Tarot is not new to me, it seems to have suddenly opened up for me in the last few months.

I need to spend more time here

2010-07-19T07:02:00.002-06:00

I have really been neglecting this blog and actually this one is where I should be blogging. Pagan Tapestry is chugging along thru the Wheel and will undoubtedly be outraged enough at the upcoming elections to vent a little about that. The other blogs are mainly collections of information. I have them separate so that I can find things myself. It works better than a file cabinet.
Here is where I should be writing, I have spread my wings this year, delved into my mystical life more than I ever planned and learned much. I want to record it, mainly for myself, but it might help someone else along their path also.
Let me get my thoughts together and I will be back soon. At least, unlike the Tapestry blog, this one does not have to follow a linear path. Thank Goddess.

Hern

2010-06-03T19:40:00.003-06:00

I was writing about planning a ritual for Litha on A Pagan Tapestry and for some reason Hern popped into my mind. Perhaps too long since I did a ritual for him also. He is the only male deity that I regularly work with.
I will not be dedicating the Litha ritual to him. I am thinking of dedicating it to a Sun Goddess.

Hern is very special to me and it is past time to dedicate a ritual to him.

Hern is not a son of the sun. Hern is shadows and lush foliage. Hern is the hush of a forest disturbed. Hern is dark secrets and a path to light. Hern is mentor to magicians and witches. Hern is the enemy to any who seek to dominate nature, but he revels in the hunt, as it is the way of nature. Hern is kin to the Greenman, or perhaps he is the Greenman in another guise. Hern cannot be summoned or petitioned. Hern will accept offerings but makes no promises.
Tell your secrets to Hern and perhaps he will share one with you.

a long pause in writing

2010-06-02T19:27:00.000-06:00

I have been neglecting my favorite blog. Not for lack of things to say, just the opposite, there has been so much going on that I haven't had time to write, share and just think about things. I will have to make time for important things.

I will...

2010-02-24T06:44:00.003-07:00

...remember to talk to my Spirit Guides today...and not just to ask a question.

belief and faith without dogma

2010-01-21T07:51:00.004-07:00

My mother passed away in December. She was Catholic, but I discovered just recently that she had secret beliefs in folk medicine (magick), psychics and divination. Kind of hazy and overwritten with some guilt from her faith, but like me, she thought these things just existed, whether you acknowledge them or not.

I found myself unable to be terribly sad at her passing, at least in the weeping and wailing sort of sad. She was 85 years old, had cancer, believed that the cancer would kill her, and died peacefully in her sleep.

I found that my own deep set beliefs in the idea that this world and everything in it is just a passing educational step in our real existence precluded any sort of deep grief.
I find myself thinking that she liked being right and knowing things that others did not know. Now she has the real answers and knows things that the rest of us do not know. I bet she is enjoying it.

thought for the day...

2009-12-09T18:46:00.004-07:00

I am a 59 year old woman with one foot planted in the business world, one in my personal life and both firmly planted on the path of the Goddess. I am a seeker, a left of center, tree hugging, dirt digging daughter of the Goddess, always have been, always will be, 24 hours a day.
I stand firmly opposed to the patriarchal, head in the sand, science denying, blindfolded, dogma driven institutions that want to pound us all back to the stone age. Whatever guise they are hiding behind.

a time for reflection and study

2009-11-03T19:59:00.005-07:00

I am trying something different this year as far as a little adjustment to the wheel of the year.
Like many pagans, I have celebrated Samhain as the end and the beginning of the year. Last year there was some discussion on the blogs about this and a couple of people offered that they celebrate Samhain as the end of the year and Yule as the beginning. The time in between is used for....whatever.
I am doing that this year. I will celebrate the new year at the winter solstice, when the dark begins to change back to light. And I will use the dark part of the year for reflection and study.
My studies are already lined up. I have begun a course on chakra healing with my teacher and I am well into book one of Christopher Penczak's Temple series.
I will let you know how both of these progress.
I am also going to make time to do more magick, Christopher's books have magickal exercises for homework, so those two studies will go together.
I feel good about this, it seems to have a natural flow that appeals to me at this time.

feeling good...

2009-10-29T18:49:00.004-06:00

I haven't been blogging. I haven't been doing ritual or magick. I haven't been learning my new runes. I have been studying....I am reading Christopher Penczak's Temple series, just on book one. He promised it would not be Wicca 101...he better get a move on.

ANYWAY, I have been finding excuses. Too tired, too hurried, too..........you fill in the blank.

So tonight I filled the bath with smell good stuff and epsom salts and HOT water. Took some ritual stuff into the bathroom. Goddess candle, sage candle, 4 candles for spirit guides, incense and Wendy Rule. Soaked and scrubbed and let everything just drift away. I didn't ask for anything or talk to anyone. I just let the warm water and the scents and the light of the candles and the music gradually replace all the tensions of the days and weeks past.

And I got it.

I have been avoiding ritual because I have been feeling unworthy. Hurried, rushed, not very forgiving, often feeling dirty (physically...I work with horses), just not up to ritual.

How incredibly CHRISTIAN of me. Unworthy to talk to my patriarchal, unforgiving, all-mankind-is-born-sinful, wrathful GOD.

What a wake up call that was. Nothing shocks a witch like realizing that I am acting and thinking like a Christian.

Goddess isn't about forgiving me, or judging me. She could care less if I worship her or curse her. She doesn't need me....I need her. I need the acceptance that this existence just IS.
That it is about learning, not getting a passing grade. Goddess and all the goddesses that we talk to, my spirit guides...all of them are here to help me learn my lessons. They can't do that if I don't talk to them and listen to them. But it's all the same to them...I am the one who is the Seeker, they already know the answers.

So why am I avoiding them?.......because when I am tired and frazzled that old childhood conditioning starts controlling my responses. The years of being told how unworthy, how sinful, how unlovable we are and that we need to kiss the feet of this god who seems to hate us...all that baggage is still capable of causing problems. Til I drag it out into the light of day and take a close look.

Oh, and I got one more message. Apparently that 4 candle holder that I use for my spirit guides is perfectly acceptable. But the four identical candles is getting old, those 4 spirits are not only not the same, they don't even like each other much.....at least that's what I got.

Light a candle, talk to goddess or spirit. If you don't have anything to say, then just listen.

Daily Practice (cross posted with A Pagan Tapestry)

2009-10-14T20:49:00.001-06:00

There is always talk on the pagan blogs and podcasts about daily practice. Do you or don't you, why or why not, how to if you want....

Do I have a daily practice? Well, yes and no.
I spend time each day offering time or myself to deity. I spend time each day acknowledging the presence and importance of the elements. I offer casual conversation and my beliefs are part of my life, 24/7.
However, do I perform ritual everyday, no matter how long or short, how complex or how simple?
The answer to this is no, in spite of my very best intentions, plans and the energies that pull at me.

I hear and read many people in similar circumstances who chide themselves for being too busy or a little lazy or not dedicated enough.

I have always felt that this was not the answer. Maybe those answers apply to some, some of the time. But there is more to it for some of us, for many of us.

T.Thorn Coyle wrote about this recently and her words helped me put into words the feelings that I have about this.

Fear.
Fear of the unknown. Fear that those powers are really real. Fear that taking that last step, that moving from 99.9% dedication to the goddess to 100% commitment will set in motion unstoppable changes in our lives. So we dither on the edge of the precipice.
I think there is a special, individual, unique time that we are each invited to step off that ledge.

'when you have come to the edge of all light that you know
and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown
faith is knowing one of two things will happen:

there will be something solid to stand on
or you will be taught to fly'

Patrick Overton

Please participate

2009-09-06T10:22:00.002-06:00

Go to Owl's Wings for some important information.

cross posted with A Pagan Tapestry

2009-08-19T21:44:00.001-06:00

Reading blogs and reading my own email and sometimes even the comments on my blogs, I realize that it is difficult for us to leave behind the concepts of deity that we are surrounded with in this society. I am talking about the role of the minister, rabbi, imam, priest, preacher.....and unfortunately the perceived role of the high priest or high priestess.

Do you still, sometimes, think of your deities as being 'over there' or 'out there' or 'up there' and they speak to an intermediary who will tell you what they said?
This is one reason I left Christianity.

I speak to my goddess.
I speak to the elements.
I speak to the spirits of the land
I speak to my spirit guides
and
THEY SPEAK TO ME.

If some little voice inside your head is right now going ....yeah-but....please take a deep breath, tell yourself out loud that you do not need anyone to speak to deity for you and say something out loud to the deity or element of your choice.

We are so conditioned to believe that someone else may speak to deity, but we, individually, do not. People with tin foil hats might speak to deity (or aliens) but we do not. Ministers and other clergy who are somehow morally superior may speak to deity but we do not. The high priestess may speak to deity, but we do not. We can grovel and beg and pray, but we do not converse.

Please leave that thinking in the closet where it belongs. If you want to have a personal relationship with deity, spirits, ancestors, elements or anyone else, you can do it. It is not weird, you are not crazy and there are no special requirements.

I found a book that can help you along this path, if you are interested but still skeptical or hesitant. Michelle Skye's book Goddess Alive is primarily a series of guided meditations and rituals to help you connect with deity. She focuses on the Celtic and Norse goddesses and their associations with sabbats and esbats. I recommend that you check this book out, it might be available at your public library. If a different pantheon is calling to you, this might still be helpful in showing you how to research and write your own meditations and rituals to connect to a particular deity. If you are seeking Celtic or Norse goddesses then she has done the hard work for you.
If you decide to use this book, please let me know what you think and whether or not it helped you.

Amazon.com Widgets

morphing blogs

2009-08-14T19:37:00.003-06:00

I have quite a few blogs going on. My pagan blogs are mostly about my spiritual path, although Pagan Tapestry wanders about sometimes. I have blogs connected to business websites that are only about the business.
And I have a couple of blogs about my normal everyday life. One of them is a journal of rehabbing a horse that I rescued. The other is a blog that just sort of wanders around..... like my mind.

It started out as political comment last fall. Then after the elections it morphed into being a participant in Creative Every Day. That was great fun, I had lots of followers, I followed lots of other participants blogs....but when I decided to start up my own business, it fell by the wayside. I still try to visit and catch up occasionally, but it just takes way to much time to really get immersed in that.

I also took a stab at 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women and again, due to lack of time, I didn't keep up. I am still plugging away at it...if anyone else is I would love to know as the official book group ended, oh..eons ago.

I decided that some things were too compartmentalized and needed to spread out between my mundane blogs and my pagan blogs, at least this one, which is about my own experiences.

So this is my long winded way of inviting anyone who is interested to visit my mundane blogs, the everyday life of a modern witch, maybe we have more in common than paganism.

oh, yeah....click here

a little perplexed but mostly just musing...

2009-08-12T19:24:00.005-06:00

BAST
I have mentioned that Bast has moved into my life in a big way.
It all started over a horse that I am retraining...a spoiled horse with a lovely soft eye who had learned that 1. people are not to be trusted and 2. if you are a raging ass they will leave you alone.

So, because I try not to bite off more than I can chew, I was approaching this problem with some caution...lots of caution....delaying tactics was more like it.

One day in a meditation Bast appeared and in no uncertain terms told me that the Celtic goddesses that I was consorting with had no intention of helping me with the suck-it-up and get-on-with-it kind of courage I was looking for. Actually that is not what she said but I am assuming that she was borrowing from my very worst vocabulary and lets leave it at that.

On the other hand...SHE would love to help me out with this and if I would just trust her she would help me and things would work out just great.

So I did, and she did and it has.

She is not subtle. Before we started training this horse she sent me to buy this pendant. I told myself I had to make a run to a metaphysical bookstore on my way to the barn. It wasn't on my way, it was across town in the opposite direction and when I got there I searched, not knowing what I was looking for, until I found this. Fortunately it was affordable.

I have several times started to do some research on her on the internet and she has stopped me. Do it later, it will keep, you don't need to do that.

Just recently I asked her about this and got a cryptic, why aren't you happy with what you know?
So I said that I wanted to do some research for the Black Cats and Full Moons blog with has a promised second part on the Egyptian pantheon that is only months overdue.
OH THAT! oh, then go do the research, but don't bother to try to relate that to us. That will come later.

She speaks to me more plainly than any other deity. I have a very clear relationship with the Elements and with the Trickster and I sometimes wonder if he is an Elemental and not a deity.
Anyway, I have never gotten such clear messages from a deity before.
It is sometimes strange, sometimes perplexing and sometimes wonderful.
I have to wonder if when the horse training project is over...she will leave, because she seems more interested in that than anything else. I guess only time will tell.

do I get any say in this?

2009-08-08T22:27:00.003-06:00

I am Celtic by blood. I have always felt a deep connection to Celtic history, before I identified as pagan. I follow the Wheel of the Year, the Sabbats and Esbats. I feel at home in Celtic legend and myth and history.
So.......
I love the tales of Epona especially in her connection to the horse, I make offerings to her, I am a professional equestrian, I train horses, coach riders and have named and dedicated a horse related business to Epona.
She does not speak to me. I think she listens, I don't feel shut out, but she does not speak to me in any way that I am aware of.

On the other hand, I have had nothing to do with the Egyptian pantheon, except for some research for the Full Moons and Black Cats blog.
And yet Bast seems to make herself right at home here and has arranged things to have herself figure prominently in my life and in my rituals and meditations.

Half of me wants to laugh because this is so totally out of my control and the other half wants to stand with hands on hips..."hey!! what about me?!?"

festivals...

2009-08-07T17:26:00.003-06:00

In that panel discussion in Florida that I posted a link to....there is a brief discussion about pagan festivals. It caught my attention since I had just posted about feeling supremely unmotivated to go to any. The consensus of that panel was that festivals are important to pagan community. We don't go to church on Sundays, many of us are solitaires, and even those who are members of active traditions still do much work on our own. So festivals play an important role. I am afraid I will have to rethink my position.
Especially because .....
This week I caught a killer cold, making me miserable, and I didn't catch it from any Pagan friends. If I was at Dragonfest this week I wouldn't be sick.
This is probably not what any panel member meant....but right now it is motivation for me.

guided meditations for sanity

2009-08-05T22:36:00.002-06:00

Life has been crazy lately and not in a good sort of crazy way.
I promised myself that even if the entire world caught fire, I was going to find time to meditate this evening. Enjoy one of Ariel's guided meditations, be open to a visit from spirit guides, leave the mundane world behind for 20 minutes or so.
Pure sanity, quiet, calm, did I mention quiet?
I highly recommend this, often, for everyone...including me.

panel discussion from the Florida Pagan Gathering

2009-07-28T20:11:00.004-06:00

If you like panel discussions with some pagan elders, you will love this...

Elemental Castings Podcast

(subscribe to this podcast: via iTunes or RSS)

Episode #19, Florida Pagan Gathering, 7/24/09 download
Paganism: Past, Present and Future: A special podcast from the Florida Pagan Gathering. Thorn talks with Margot Adler, Chas Clifton, Gavin and Yvonne Frost and Lydia Crabtree.

chakra

2009-07-27T19:15:00.002-06:00

Healer teachings are starting with chakras. Everything she does is connected to chakras.
I can do a chakra meditation to center, balance, energize or relax, that's about the sum total of my knowledge. This is going to be interesting. I will post more later.

festivals

2009-07-24T21:52:00.006-06:00

I have found myself ducking out of invitations to festivals. Dragonfest starts in a few days and I am glad that I am working and cannot go.

This has bothered me somewhat. Am I anti-social? No, not really. I am not into partying much, but I socialize with a small group of friends and sometimes a large group.

Am I hiding in the broom closet? No, not really. I don't go around with a pentacle pinned to my chest, but if you ask, I will tell you my beliefs. I find that this doesn't come up any more as a Pagan than it did when I was Catholic, which is to say it is a non issue.

It hit me tonight....paganism is my spiritual life, not my social life.

This is in no way a judgement against those who love the festivals. Go and have a wonderful time.
But for now I will bow out, and not feel guilty about it.

how the universe works

2009-07-14T19:44:00.004-06:00

So....I announce aloud my intent to use my journal at least partly to talk about what I have learned and what I want to learn.

And yesterday I was offered the chance to begin training with a healer.
Interesting how that works.

journaling

2009-07-10T07:00:00.003-06:00

I am starting a magickal journal.....again.

I have never managed to really keep a good journal of my progress along this path. I would like to have a record and a place to express what I am learning and how and why and what I want to do next week or next year and how that spell I did last week worked out, but I have never actually done it.

I keep a calendar/organizer that I am fairly good at keeping up to date. I keep a running to-do list that works (better all the time the older I get!), I have a gratitude journal of sorts that I bought because it is the artwork of Susan Seddon Boulet and I love it....it is one of those 'fill in the spaces' that is soothing late at night.

But although it has been my intent for a very long time, I have never kept a magick journal.
I think I am too judgemental, not only of my own thoughts, but of silly things like how it looks and what order things go in. I will start it as soon as I find that bit of poetry that I thought would be nice as a first page, or that photo that I wanted to put in it, or just the right pen. Good grief!

So today I am starting my very first magickal journal...it is allowed to be a mess, it is allowed to be illegible, it is allowed to skip from here to there and back, I may put anything in it that I want, magickal or mundane. I make no promises about its content, other than to try and make some sort of notes about new things that I learn. It does not have to 'go with' my BOS. The only requirement is to fill it up....with my thoughts or others...it is not even limited to me.

There is my intent.....wish me luck!
Nitpicking Virgo that I am, this is surprisingly difficult.

meditations and candles on the web

2009-07-07T05:26:00.007-06:00

Over at Spotted Wolf Wisdom, spottedwolf (who visits here) is very generously offering to share some wonderful guided meditations. Scroll back to his July 2 post for the first one and you will find where he offers suggestions for how to use the meditations. I will be recording these myself, I love the first one. Thanks so much for doing this, spottedwolf.

And if you are stuck behind a computer all day and really need 5 minutes to light a candle and meditate or offer a prayer, Debra at She Who Seeks found this wonderful free site created by a Benedictine monk, all spiritual seekers welcome at Gratefulness.org
After you light a candle you can open a minicandle and a tiny screen with your candle will appear on your desktop. Thanks for finding this, Debra.

the gold puppy

2009-06-30T03:50:00.002-06:00

My blogging friend Reya Mellicker at The Gold Puppy
is saying goodbye to the gold puppy today. Jake has had a long and good life and it is time to let him go.
As pagans, most of us believe that this physical form that we inhabit is just one phase of a cycle of life that goes on and on, but that doesn't seem to lessen our sorrow as one by one our loved ones, human or otherwise, leave this plane of existence.
Good journeys, Jake.

solstice

2009-06-21T20:20:00.003-06:00

I woke up this morning thinking that I needed to do a ritual. No real plan, just a vague feeling. My brain doesn't kick in until my second cup of coffee so this was just an impulse. I lit a sage candle, cleaned my little glass plate that I use for an altar, lit some incense, a candle to the Goddess and realized I had no real intent or motivation for this ritual, but I had lots of good energy.
So I invited the Goddess to just hang out for a while this morning. I chatted with her while I checked email, got dressed, had coffee. I offered the day to her and asked for her guidance.
I felt at peace and very content. Put out the candles and went about my morning.
Later in the day I remembered that it is Solstice and that I had not planned a formal ritual like I had been meaning to.
Sometimes, even though I love ritual, an informal connection with Goddess, or the Elements, or Spirit Guides is exactly what I need to make sure that this path is a daily one, and not just for special occasions.
Happy solstice, take a minute and say hello to the divine that you offer your path to.

let yourself hear

2009-05-25T17:30:00.003-06:00

My once quiet life as a hidden daughter of the Goddess seems to have imploded beneath my feet.
My calm beliefs that had basically led me no where and were not required to be a shining beacon have led me to this current path of discovery and play and knowledge and people with great wisdom coming into my life.

I think that the most important thing that I have learned so far is that you don't have to "believe" to be touched by the goddess or gods or spirits or whatever is trying to help you along.
You just have to stop for 5 seconds, quit analyzing and questioning and proving to yourself that it isn't so...just stop it.

And your intuition, the OTHER side of your brain (that we are trained not to use), your spirit, your soul, your natural connection to the universe ....will speak to you. Maybe in whispers, maybe in shouts, maybe in song, or pictures or a beautiful dream....but it will speak to you. Just be quiet and listen.

you have to let go for pathworking to work

2009-05-14T20:38:00.006-06:00

I did a guided meditation a few evenings ago that gave me some good information.
I got to the point where sometimes I turn the meditation off and see what happens. Instead of the room that I usually visualize, there was a dark curtain that I couldn't see through or find a way around. I just waited, tried to keep my mind as clear and calm as possible and waited to see what would happen. Bast appeared again and told me to walk with her, away from the curtain. As we walked away hands reached out through the curtain, reaching for me. I asked her what was happening and she said that those were my fears...I have let them get so strong that they are controlling where I walk. I need to stop thinking about them and instead think about my goals and the good things about the work to reach these goals. We walked to a doorway and watched over a beautiful meadow for a while and then went back through the hallway, past the curtain with the hands, back up the stairs and to the end of the meditation.
Afterward I felt calm and focused and the next morning got a lot of things done that I have been putting off or obsessing over.

dithering and meditation

2009-05-10T18:41:00.002-06:00

I have been dithering for days. Slowly working myself into the kind of panicky feeling that vibrates your entire body. Just life, accumulated problems, how things pile up, not enough sleep....all those things that try to gang up on us. I have not experienced this is a very long time.

Meditation practice keeps me grounded in a way that keeps unfounded disaster scenarios from playing over and over in my head. I used to live this way, a roller coaster ride of good and bad times....not over the edge, but sometimes unsettling. For many years now, walking this path has let me enjoy the good times and not get sucked into the bad. This time was very frustrating and I found myself questioning everything, my path, my practice....talk about letting that negative energy take over.

With some help from Ariel's meditations....love them....and a sudden awakening of a sense of the ridiculous, life is getting back on track.

I looked at people in the grocery store and watched faces that are stressed, worried, fearful, anxious, rude and wondered how many of them are just having a bad day and how many are living in that state.

Then I came home, sat down for a moment, lit some incense, lit a candle and gave heartfelt thanks to Goddess for kicking me in the ass some time ago.

meditating at work?

2009-04-30T17:51:00.004-06:00

I have left the house for the last two days so frazzled that I'm surprised that people are not staring at my head spinning around on my shoulders.
Today while I was doing some mindless manual tasks at work I was listening to my iPod, head still spinning and I decided to listen to a guided meditation and see if that helped at all.
To my surprise I was able to listen to the meditation with about 90% of my focus, keep working and no one disturbed me for the length of the podcast...about 20 minutes.
Not only did it calm me down and let my fried brain recover, but I actually got into the journey. Not completely, but pretty well experiencing and enjoying it.

I may have mentioned that although I deal primarily with the Celtic deities, Bast has been knocking on the door every once in a while. I don't know what to do with her so I have been ignoring her. While I was doing this meditation, suddenly there she was, in the place of the spirit that was being described by the narrator. She was telling me that if I would just listen for once, she could tell me how to deal with my fears that are holding me back. It was a very strong and clear conversation, ok, more like an angry lecture, but it was awesome as well as instructive.

today...

2009-04-22T18:52:00.006-06:00

The podcast 'Why Shamanism Now?' has renewed my commitment to pathworking and dispelled (at least for now) my frustration at the erratic pace.

I am going to miss the new moon circle with my new coven. I have only been participating with this group for a few months and was looking forward to this new moon. I will have to do something special for myself in ritual. I have started incorporating more new moon work into my routine than I used to.

My reports on my astrology class have moved to my Seeker blog. As soon as I can string two coherent sentences together I will write more. I am getting it, it is making sense, but it is still stuck in the intuitive part of my brain and only reluctantly letting the other half of my brain try to verbalize it. This is actually good because I am so analytical that things usually happen in the reverse. I am thrilled to have my intuition speaking up for once and telling the logical side to just shut up for a few minutes.

pathworking

2009-04-20T22:25:00.002-06:00

If you are interested in pathworking or journeying I highly recommend a fairly new podcast...Why Shamanism Now? It is available on iTunes.

It started in January and has been a weekly show since. I have only listened to the first three shows but I am enjoying it quite a lot. If it continues to be good I think I will put a permanent link on this blog. I recommend that you start with the first show...each one builds on the last.

If you like the show, please let her know. I think we need more podcasts like this. The website is Last Mask Center for Shamanic Healing

goddess

2009-04-18T09:48:00.002-06:00

finding the goddess

2009-04-12T17:51:00.011-06:00

There is some discussion around the blogs about the broom closet...in or out (thanks to Pagan Prompts). And earlier in the week a friend and I were talking about the fits and starts of many of us in casting off the old beliefs and embracing the new.
I have been mulling this over a lot; how for many of us our old beliefs are so constricting, long after we try to put them behind us. I wanted to share this poem by Ann Moura with you. I think it says it all.

I talked with thee once, when thou wert a child,
I spoke with thee then, in gentle tones mild.
Ye knew me and loved me and danced in my light;
Why did ye then turn away into the night?

I saw Fear creep in and then steal you away;
I saw the Dark Demons come dampen your play.
I saw how you shook and beseech me for help;
But when I appeared, you with terror did melt.

Who was it that turned you away from my love?
What horror replaced the Light shone from above?
Who told you I'm evil when never I was?
Who took away beauty and washed it in blood?

I never demanded so high an emotion;
That caused you to bleed for any devotion.
I stood by aghast to see where you would tread,
I never deserted but stood by your stead.

And when you did stumble, I held out my hand;
And when you did plead, it was my own command.
I answered you truly each time that you spoke;
And waited with patience until you awoke.

I did not tell you that knowledge was wrong;
Nor say it was evil to sing your own song.
I did not lay down long listings of rules;
Yet all new religions still honor my Yules.

If all of my days are special to others;
Why can't my children act more like they're brothers?
The dictums of priesthoods, by whatever name;
Serve only their leaders for fortune and fame.

Though avarice lies naked before every view;
Their immoral doctrines still full up the pew.
With learning constrained to a pitiful few;
The lessons are curbed lest the teachers they hew.

Keep ye the Sabbats or let them dance by;
I care not a whit if you do not abide.
There never was any but one rule, no guilt;
My guidance: "An it harm none, do what thou wilt."

I never demanded sacrifice of blood;
Never call thee 'sinner' nor gave thee the Flood.
I offered Knowledge and Wisdom for thy life;
But never suggested an eternal strife.

No minions of darkness attacking at night;
No angels, no demons, and no cosmic fight.
My Eternal Dance is of joy and of life;
My Song is of laughter and ending of strife.

So when did it happen? That moment, that spark?
When Knowledge and Reason at last struck their mark?
Though counseled by others to say in the dark;
You strove to gain Wisdom, and learnt with a start-

That all your old longings and feelings were right!
That I am the one whom you've never lost sight;
Together with Uma, Am Glory and Might-
The Song of the Ancients sung morning and night!

With tears and sweet laughter I welcomed you back;
You know that false dogmas no more can attack.
For Wisdom you sought, and there Truth have you found;
The Old God and Goddess with love still abound.

I dance in the Cosmos, I dance in your heart;
We dance now together and never will part.
Thy childhood is over, here starts your next stage;
To bask in the glory of life as my Sage.

Come dance at our Sabbats and sing to the Moon;
Thy Lord and they Lady both welcome thy tune.
We now dance in they heart and fill thee with love;
As it is now below, so it has been above!

Ann Moura

from Hecate's blog

2009-03-26T19:11:00.002-06:00

why why why why why ?

2009-03-26T16:42:00.003-06:00

On Ostara I did a very simple ritual. I got up at before dawn and laid out all the parts for my wreath and smudged them and left the incense burning. At dawn I lit a candle for spring, cast a circle, welcomed the Elementals, said hello to a goddess or three, told Eostre that I was making the wreath and dedicating it to her as a thanks for the coming spring. The wreath practically strung itself together, I dropped the circle, thanked everyone for coming and hung the wreath on the wall.
I was so full of energy I was humming all day.
It feels SO good to do that.

So WHY have I not done another ritual all week? Why do I tell myself every evening that I am too tired and will do one in the morning and in the morning why do I tell myself that I am too rushed and will do one in the evening?

Why do we avoid doing things that make us feel good and are good for us???
I say "we" because I know darn good and well that I am not the only one.

pagan clergy

2009-03-22T10:40:00.003-06:00

I have been sitting on the fence on the subject of pagan 'clergy.'
I have been swayed in both directions. To me paganism is all about finding your own personal path to divinity, whatever that is.
You can't tell me how to connect to the goddess, I can't tell you. All the research and education in the world is only one small tool along that path. A good tool, a necessary tool, but still just a tool.

OTOH, the arguments for presenting a public face that doesn't speak of Buffy or teenage Goths has great pull. We all want to be respected in our beliefs, in our lives. We all get tired of saying "I'm-pagan,-no-it-is-not-satanism" as if it were all one word.
Having someone ELSE front and center to make explanations and create good will is very very tempting these days.

My mind was made up this week in a gigantic leap, a vivid light bulb moment. I sincerely wish that I could credit the person who caused this, but I have been unable to. Instead I will relate how this happened.

Driving to work, listening to an NPR story about the Pope in Africa. Someone from one of the many health organizations trying desperately to stop the relentless advance of disease in Africa was being interviewed. I started listening at the very end of the interview, which is why I don't know who this was.
The questions and answers turned to the Pope's remarks against the use of condoms and the interviewee said:

"...he cares more for his dogma than for his people's lives."

Raised Catholic, I think I had always known this, but never said it outloud. Yes, he does.
And I realized that we must NEVER EVER fall into the trap of believing that my way or your way or anyone's way of approaching the gods must look a certain way or feel a certain way or contain certain words. The moment that we anoint people to step forward and say that they represent Pagans, we are heading for the slippery slope of caring more for dogma (and for appearances) than for connection and knowledge.

Most of us are so indoctrinated, more honestly we are brainwashed, into thinking that 'religion' must look a certain way and act a certain way. Even when we think we have thrown off the shackles and started down a path of freedom and knowledge, those old beliefs start to tug at us.
Clergy, temples, sacred texts tipping into dogma. We are conditioned to it, we must resist it or this path can just become another way to control other people.

double posted, here and A Pagan Tapestry

Ostara

2009-03-19T17:30:00.003-06:00

Long before I called myself Pagan, long before I knew the names to call the Goddesses, long before I saw a drawing of the wheel of the year, long before I knew that there were other people like me and that they did not consider themselves crazy....I celebrated the turning of the Wheel.

I have always observed the Solstices and Equinoxes. Sometimes I felt silly, sometimes I felt childish, but I still felt compelled to somehow mark these days.

I didn't have formal ritual; no lighted candles, no chanting, no circle. I was always aware of the presence of the Elements.

On the spring Equinox I nearly always found a few moments to be by myself at noon. I would give a silent thank you to the Spirit of Spring. I always felt that somehow this was appreciated.

My Spirit of Spring I now call Eostre, but I add Spirit of Spring. I had never, that I recalled, read anything about Eostre. I had no way of knowing that she embodies spring, childhood and celebration. I had no way to know that pastel colors, spring winds, the hare and easter eggs all belong to her. But somehow I knew all this. Not consciously, because I didn't analyze or really think about these things.

I just knew it was important to say hello to the Spirit of Spring.

Astrology

2009-03-13T17:30:00.007-06:00

I am going to take an astrology course.
The circle that I have been invited to has a regular astrology course. It will start in a couple of weeks and run once a week until we 'don't have any questions.'
I'm thinking I could die of old age in this class.

I'm excited about this. I have shrugged off opportunities in the past to take a class and everyone assumes that I don't believe in it. That is not the reason at all. I know that the very little I know is just barely scratching the surface and it can be incredibly complex...it has intimidated me.

So I am going to do this. I guess I should trot over to the DCW and tell Ariel. He is one of the ones that I have made excuses to.

Wish me luck.

Raven Woman portraits

2009-03-11T06:33:00.003-06:00

You know I love the work of Susan Seddon Boulet. I just found two of her portraits of Raven Woman. This one is titled Ancestor of the North. The one I just dropped into my profile is simply called Raven Woman. This one is on the March page of my new calendar. Either I have never seen these two before or I just hadn't noticed. Like I hadn't noticed the Raven that keeps popping up in my dreams and my meditations.

full moon

2009-03-10T06:04:00.004-06:00

artemis, hel. eve, white shell woman, bast, eagle woman, morgan le fay, rhiannon, epona, diana, spider woman, lady of the lake, ishtar, changing woman, valkyrie, arianrhod, etain, isis, osiris, flora, hathor, sedna, amphitrite, fortuna, hina, demeter, athena, aphrodite, tlazolteotl, thetis, lilith, mary, medusa, minerva, pele, persephone, hera, inanna, ix chel, kaltes, themis, selene, kuan yin, goddess, gaia.......who do you speak with?

wonderous

2009-03-09T19:13:00.003-06:00

I am working at my desk and look out the window to see...

a nearly full moon hanging in a dusky blue grey sky, sitting on the ends of the branches of an evergreen tree.

Tomorrow night I will join a circle of women and pay honor to the Goddess. Not to ask for anything, not to follow the examples of my childhood and beg for forgiveness, not to grovel before a scary deity.

Just to hold hands and be part of an ancient tradition of connection to the Goddess. to the earth and to the universe.

apropo of nothing...

2009-03-06T17:35:00.002-07:00

I hate daylight savings time. I hate it, my animals hate it, it disrupts feeding schedules at home, at the barn, everywhere. It disrupts everyone's sleeping patterns, it means long hot summer evenings when the clock says it is time for bed (since I get up at 4am) and the sun says it is still afternoon. It's not like it is actually another hour of daylight....
I hate daylight savings time.

Just in case you were wondering.

The Mystic's Dream

2009-03-03T06:25:00.003-07:00

After I saw The Life of a Witch (posted on A Pagan Tapestry) I looked around YouTube and found this. The Mystic's Dream by Loreena McKennitt is one of my all time favorite pieces of music and this collage is well done with some lovely images. Enjoy!

a different kind of visualization

2009-03-01T19:15:00.002-07:00

I always have a difficult time with doing the 'visualize how you want it to be and not how it is. '
It is hard for me to focus on this and not let the change creep in or even the present with what I WANT to creep in. I can do it, but it is very hard and never seems to get easier.

I have been trying to do some magick related to a new business that I am starting and getting stuck in my visualizations with the process of starting it and not on a successful business. This week I tried a different way of doing this. If anybody tells me, oh yes, this is how you are SUPPOSED to do this, didn't you know? I think I will hunt you down for not telling me!

So here is what I did. I started off with the winter meditation (listed at A Borrowed Book of Charms) where you go down into the earth and watch the activity there. I did that until I felt very calm and centered. Then I visualized myself as just a spirit or an energy form and I went flying over to where I will be living in the future. I skipped past exactly where that was and how it looked and focused on inside the house, where I watched myself go about the day in my new work-at-home job. Details about phone calls and messages and return calls and my office, all the little stuff in a work day. Then I went back to where I was grounded, came back into my meditating self and was done.

For the first time not a hint of the present or the process slipped in to distract me, it was only about how I want it to be. It was quite enjoyable and seemed quite real. I hope that I have hit on a method that will reliably work for me because this has been a major stumbling block for me and I feel that it has sometimes rendered my magick ineffective. This has been frustrating because I knew what the missing piece was but seemed unable to fix it.

Forgetting my smartass comments above about hunting you down, I am curious if anyone else takes this sort of round about approach to seeing what you want, or perhaps another even more round about. How DO you make sure your visualizations are only what you want them to be?

A Witch's Primer

2009-02-23T19:57:00.000-07:00

A Witch's Primer is a podcast of basic 'how to' for newcomers to the Craft. It is nondenominational, there is no agenda and it is an excellent podcast. (It is also put out by my personal favorite podcaster, Ariel). It is wonderful information for anyone new to the Craft, for any solitary who is figuring things out alone and for all of the rest of us who could use a refresher or just find it interesting. There is a real need for this information and I personally applaud Ariel for taking on the project.

A Witch's Primer was available on iTunes but it came to the attention of some of the religious zealots and attracted hate mail and negative comments on iTunes. Apparently there was some response from it's loyal listeners and a flame war was in the making. Since this was not the intent of the project, Ariel removed the show from iTunes, hopefully temporarily.

I really believe that this information, in this format, is essential at this point of the evolution of the Craft and I would like to ask everyone who reads this blog to help to get the word out, within our community, that this podcast is still up and running, it is just not on iTunes any more.

The show is at A Witch's Primer

Please help spread the word, and you might like to tune in and listen for yourselves. I do and I enjoy the show a lot.

Druid Animal Oracle Cards

2009-02-22T14:49:00.000-07:00

Raven (Gaelic, 'bran')

Initiation, protection and the gift of prophecy.

The power of the raven can also bring you the very deepest form of healing, which is achieved through a process known as 'the resolution of the opposites' making it possible for you to resolve conflicts that have long lain buried in your unconscious or in your past.

2009-02-21T16:00:00.000-07:00

I found this fabulous information about the Raven
at Animal Totems.
Magic, Healing, Creation

If a raven totem has come into our life, magic is at play.
Raven activates the energy of magic and links it to our will and intention.

With this totem we can make great changes in our life;
the ability to take the unformed thought and make it a reality.

The Raven shows us how to go into the dark of our inner self and bring out the light of our true self; resolving inner conflicts which have long been buried.
This is the deepest power of healing we can possess.

2009-02-18T19:17:00.000-07:00

Hibiscus Moon said...: Can you tell us more about how you do your pathworking meditation? I would love to hear more about that.
----------------------------------------------------------: I would be glad to try.

I posted last night and this morning found the post garbled and at least half of it missing. I will rewrite it and post it again later. sorry. blogger must have had a hiccup last night.

Here is the second rendition, I hope I didn't leave anything out.
----------------------------------------------------------

I was a solitary witch in the most 'living in a bubble' sort of way. I had only a few books, I never thought to do research or buy more books or even search the internet. I was really content with my knowledge of the goddess and everything else was secondary. I worked off and on with meditation. When I was interested in Shinto I tried it. When I got into a little bit of Yoga I tried it. My brother taught karate as a lifestyle instead of a sport and he persuaded me to try meditation. I had so-so success with it and never really worked at it much.
A few years ago I started working on it more as a stress reducer than as a spiritual practice and found that with some practice I was able to shut up some of the mind chatter for a short time and that was a huge stress reducer.
Backing up a little bit; I lived in the southwest for many years and was very interested in the shamanic journeying that is part of the spiritual practice of many of the Pueblo Indians. But my understanding was that this work was augmented by drugs, primarily peyote, and fasting, often to the point of starvation. So while I was interested in it, I also accepted the 'scientific' explanation that it was primarily hallucinations brought on by extreme physical stress and drugs. A few years ago when I began doing much more studying of the craft and researching of topics that interested me I did some reading on pathworking and tried it myself for quite a while. I think I had some inhibitions against it, didn't really believe that it could work, or at least that it would work for me and never had any success.
Then I discovered guided meditations and found that some worked very deeply for me and some not at all, the imagery had to be just right for me for it to work. And it had to be simple or it just became more mind chatter rather than less.
I started looking for guided meditations for pathworking and discovered that there were very few, most were too detailed and I somehow got the sense that even the narrator didn't believe this stuff.
Then I found Ariel's meditations online, including one called Working with Your Guide. Ariel's meditations can be found here and they can be downloaded at iTunes. The Working with Your Guide meditation is guided, but you have to fill in the details yourself. I did this meditation everyday for a few weeks and I still use it if I have trouble focusing on this. My pathworking goes like this. I do some breathing and relaxing exercises, like any meditation. Then I visualize myself standing at the top of a stone stairway that leads down into the ground. I concentrate on this visualization until I can feel the stones under my bare feet and I can reach out and touch the stone walls.

Then I go down the stairway and come into a room or center hallway. It is constructed all of stone, the sun is shining into it and a large room and two hallways lead off of this central area. I wait there for my spirit guide, sometimes he is waiting there for me or he is sitting in the room, which is sort of a library. If there is no one there I wait. Sometimes I go into the room and look around but I don't go any farther. If no one shows up then nothing happens. If the meditation goes well and my spirit guide shows up he leads the way. Before the meditation ends I find myself back in this center hallway and then the visualization dissolves. The key for me has been having a specific, detailed place to start the meditation. This stairway and room is so real it is nearly like a vivid memory. Until I found this technique I had no success with pathworking. Just clearing my mind and hoping someone would show up and talk to me did not work, ever. This is something that no one ever told me and I never found it in anything that I read about pathworking. It is worth trying for anyone who has tried pathworking with no success. This has been a long roundabout way of telling this, but many people have told me that they have had no success with pathworking. I think it takes time to find a technique that will work for you, to let go of the inhibitions against this and to let down your guard enough to let whatever is going to happen...happen.

the spirits whisper, and I stick my fingers in my ears and say la-la-la-la-la

2009-02-16T17:53:00.001-07:00

I have been spending some time on a regular basis with my pathworking. It has been very enlightening and several times I have been able to make decisions based on what I learn during the meditation. One thing that has been very disappointing is the lack of an animal spirit guide. The spirit guide that shows up each time has been a person.

The animal spirit that I already have a relationship with is the Trickster, as the coyote. But I have never had any sense that he is interested in being a guide or a teacher.

I have been fairly well set on finding that my spirit guide is a wolf. I greatly admire the wolf and have done a lot of research on the wolf. I have been fascinated by this animal since I was a small child. So I have done everything but conjure up a wolf for myself. I have looked and anticipated and tried my best to force this pathworking along the path that I want.

It has done me absolutely no good. No wolf. No mention of the wolf. No sign that the wolf is just around the next corner. A HUGE disappointment. It becomes harder and harder to let the pathwork unfold and not manipulate it, but manipulating it does not get me what I want either.

Then it occurs to me last night, that the animal that is always present in my pathworking, that I have consistently ignored or taken notice of only as another creature in the area, is the raven.
Perched over doorways, in trees, on bookshelves, ever present whenever the meditation is really working well.

Now don't I feel stupid. big duh. So with a great sense of apology, the next time I do a pathworking meditation, if the raven is present, I plan to talk to it. This may be interesting, in a totally groveling sort of way.

photo found here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/24786666@N02/3200805995

full moon

2009-02-09T01:05:00.000-07:00

Tonight I celebrated the full moon with a circle, for the first time ever.
It was a lovely experience. This is a group of mature women of all ages who meet to celebrate the Goddess.

Women all over the world have done this for thousands of years. The details have changed over time, we don't really know what women did, exactly, to honor the gods and goddesses long ago, but we do know that they met, openly or in secret, to share their spiritual lives.

I thought of that tonight and was glad to be joining in the timelessness of the ritual.

I did find myself to be a little bit more of an observer than a participant. In my solitary practice my focus and concentration are undisturbed. I found that I was distracted somewhat by being in a group, a thought that had not occurred to me until it happened. I think maybe my solitary practice could use being jarred out of complacency. It was a good experience, one I plan to repeat.

an interview...with me!

2009-02-08T08:53:00.001-07:00

I have been interviewed by the most creative blogger, Gypsy. If you are in need of some inspiration, visit her beautiful blog at
Barefoot in the Sand. Or even if you aren't.
Here is the interview:

1) I see you a Celtic Witch on a Wiccan Path. Are you both a Wiccan and a Witch? If so, explain the difference. If not, explain why as well.

I consider myself Wiccan, but I am not initiated into a coven, so some would disagree with me. But Wicca is the spiritual path that I follow. I an also an animist and I am exploring shamanism.

I am a witch. I use witchcraft or magick, I perform spells, I know the power of the mind to make real changes. In my life the two, witch and wiccan, fit together seamlessly as they do for many, many people of various pagan paths. I think most pagans incorporate witchcraft into their spiritual beliefs. It is a great freedom that many religions deny to their followers.

The two are not synonymous, one can be Wiccan without making use of witchcraft I suppose, although I would not understand that. And one can be a witch and not follow any spiritual path or even follow a spiritual path that denies witchcraft. There are Christian Mystics who practice witchcraft. That is a convoluted and difficult path, in my opinion.

2) How has the Celtic Traditions/Beliefs influenced your path and your life?

Three of my four grandparents are of Irish descent so I have always been interested in the heritage. I have also always been fascinated by Celtic myths and legends and was frequently in trouble in my Catholic grade school for insisting that faeries and little people and banshees were just as 'real' and relevant as any characters from the Bible.

I feel very much at home with the gods and goddesses of the entire British Isles, I have incorporated Hern into my practice as easily as Brigid and Epona.

I rarely step outside of this pantheon, although I have dedicated this year to exploring the myths and getting to know White Shell Woman of the Native American deities, it is more as a visitor than a permanent part of my practice.

3) In your Borrowed Book of Charms blog, are all these your charms, spells, and poetry or have you painstakingly researched them for your practice and have you implemented any of them into your practice/path?

The Borrowed Book of Charms is kind of a mixed bag. There are a few things on there that I wrote myself. All of the spells are from my Book of Shadows or are things that I am going to put into my BOS. Right now, I use most of the material there on a regular basis, as the number of spells etc. grows that will not be true.
The artwork is very special to me, it is artwork that I would like to own. Instead of writing down names and artists on a list somewhere I decided to keep it in front of me where I can look at it.

4) How do you Connect to Your Inner Goddess?

I have kind of a weird hierarchy going on in my mind. Goddess is Gaia, Mother Earth, Mother Nature, Creator, whatever name you use. She is everywhere and everything. I connect to her thru meditation and my esbats are dedicated to her.
There are also numerous goddesses and a few gods (I think my practice is sexist) that I connect with through rituals. I do not believe in many faces of one goddess, I do believe in many deities, each an independent entity.

5) Lastly, what is your favorite time of year/Sabbat? How do you celebrate? What rituals do you implement into your practice, if any?

The most important to me is the Winter Solstice. I do not call it Yule, that has Christian/Christmas associations for me. Solstice has been very important to me since long before I considered myself pagan. It is, in both a scientific and a spiritual sense, an awesome moment. This planet stops in it's trajectory, heaves itself into a different balance and allows the seasons to change again. Every year. Nearly every religion or spiritual belief in the world, past and present, takes time out to acknowledge the importance of this event.
I have not had a set ritual to observe this day. This year I cast a circle, called the Elements and then just sat quietly, grounding and feeling the earth. I liked that a lot and I may repeat it next year.

My favorite, in the enjoyable sense, is probably Imbolc...spring is here!!!

-------------------------------------

These interviews are making the rounds on the blogs and here are the rules:
If you would like to be interviewed, just follow the steps below. I would love to interview someone else!
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me".
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions).
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions and then let me know when this is done so I can link to it.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5 . When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

spirits of the land

2009-02-03T19:29:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to remember some of the things that I experienced prior to acknowledging my pagan path that influenced me. I think there is probably an accumulation of experiences that reached a critical point without me even realizing it.

One memory of a very cool experience came to me just the other day. I hadn't thought about this for many years.

When I lived in Albuquerque (it was a smaller town than it is now) I used to take the dogs for long runs along the base of Sandia Crest. There are lots of canyons cut into the base of the Crest, some big enough to have names, many smaller ones.

One day the dogs led me into one of the smaller canyons and we hiked up it for a while, then came to where it changed into a series of enormous steps reaching up and back into the mountain. A little bit of climbing, not too difficult, led to the second step which was a large shelf with trees, a small spring and a great view. I now believe that this place was an energy source, populated by some spirits of the land. At the time I just felt that it was unusually peaceful there. I would talk out loud to the mountain, to the rock formations, and I would leave feeling energized and peaceful. I thought it was a little silly, but never analyzed my feelings about this place. I went there regularly for years. The dogs liked it too, rushing to get to that lookout point, but never showing any inclination to go farther.

This was an experience with the earth that I never noticed as being a big deal, but it may be part of why I am where I am today on my path.

Tarot

2009-01-31T17:21:00.000-07:00

I went to Isis Bookstore yesterday to get the Druid Animal Oracle cards...they had them on sale and while I am yakking about it...here is a plug for Isis online...it is an individually/locally owned bookstore and healing center...great online store and not a big box store.
ANYWAY...
On impulse I had a Tarot reading done while I was there. I wanted to get some input about my new career plans and I just decided to get input from someone else through the cards instead of my own (possibly biased) readings. It was very nice, all positive signs and some good insights.
We also talked about how those Saints from my childhood prayers had popped up again and seemed to want to communicate. I am never quite sure what is real and what is my imagination. She helped me sort some of that out. It was very nice to get some objective feedback and we had a lot of fun. I was feeling very calm and grounded and happy when I left.

wildthings

2009-01-27T15:45:00.001-07:00

Early this morning on my way to work I saw a huge bald eagle perched in the highest branches of a large cottonwood tree next to the highway. Many miles away from where the bald eagles usually hang out.

This afternoon I spotted a coyote running parallel to the road, he stopped and looked directly at me, yellow eyes meeting mine, then turned and trotted away from the road.

This evening as I drove past the closed site where I used to work I spotted a large raven on a fence post next to the road. There used to be a pair of ravens that claimed that entire area, banishing all rivals. They had been tagged by the wildlife department and were approximately 30 years old at that time, about 15 years ago. I wonder if it was one of them.

update
I wanted to see what the Druid Animal Oracle cards had to say about the animals that I was seeing. I think it is not so much what is there...it's a crowded planet...but what you actually see at any given moment.
The eagle and the coyote (wolf) are teachers of courage especially courage to make changes.
The eagle can teach about the courage to move into new territory and the wolf can teach about the courage to take risks.
The raven can teach about intuition, healing and learning.
All good things for changes that I am working on.

pathworking

2009-01-27T05:26:00.000-07:00

I had set aside my pathworking meditation for a while. I found I was struggling with it and drowning out any message I was supposed to get.

For the last two evenings I have found a few minutes to ground and quiet myself and begin the meditation that begins in the stone room. On both occasions my guide greeted me without words, led me back into a long hallway with many closed doors and indicated that I was to walk down that hallway. There was no sense that there were any 'good' or 'bad' choices to be made, just that I should go that way.

I think this is an affirmation that the somewhat tentative first steps I have taken to make some major changes in my life are in the right direction and I should continue, perhaps with more confidence and looking behind even more closed doors.

an invitation...is it time?

2009-01-19T17:30:00.000-07:00

I received an invitation today...kind of out of the blue. As you know I have not been a part of a coven or even any other group of pagans. My aborted attempts to make contact with other pagans through meet-up groups was the focus of a post that now is funny but at the time was just depressing. (Solitary or group practice?)
I had decided that if and when something came along I MIGHT look into it.

So today I was chatting with a lady that I give riding lessons to and she invited me to join her 'women's group.' Thinking to myself, .....knitting, quilting, husband bashing...nope, not me, I stalled and asked 'what sort of group?'
It's a circle she said, we meet on the full moon every month. I was speechless.

Turns out that her 'little women's group' has been the host of the women's circle at a large pagan festival for several years.

I am excited. Is this a gift from the goddess? I know I was not going to seek anything out on my own for a long long time.

Interesting timing.

to be or not to be?

2009-01-12T11:55:00.000-07:00

I think I am about to drop the term 'wiccan' from my self description.
I feel wiccan, I follow the sabbats and esbats, I'm polytheistic, the Rede makes sense to me and probably because of my upbringing I am more comfortable with some structure than without.

On the other hand, for a long time my path was a faint set of footsteps that I followed without much looking around but now it is getting wider and I am picking up things along the way.

I am definitely a witch. My practice is decidedly wiccan.
But some days I am a wiccan witch and some days I am a green witch and some days I am a druid witch and some days I am a shaman witch and some days I am a secular witch.

Do I have to have a name for it? I'm afraid that 'pagan' won't do. There are too many alien forms of pagan that I can't relate to at all. If I have to have a label it has to be more accurate than that.

Maybe I don't need a name for it. I can always use wiccan so that Homeland Security knows which file cabinet I go into....I'm sure that one's a mess anyway, they will never get it sorted out.

Do I have to have one name? Perhaps I could have little cards made up with a diagram on them. Like we were taught to diagram a sentence back in grade school, it could show all the descriptors.

I'm still thinking about this.

an incredible act of nature

2009-01-09T20:56:00.000-07:00

The geese are on the move. The skies are full of noisy flocks.

The local flocks are flying in close formations from lake to lake, scoping out the best possible nesting sights.

The migrating flocks are flying high and hard and fast, heading for their temporary resting place a few hundred miles north. One stop on their long trek north.

South Platte, Nebraska, where the North Platte River and the South Platte River come together to form a large area of wetlands, is one of the largest layover spots for migrating birds in North America. Here in Denver we are not in the center of the path of migration, many birds fly too high and fast to be seen easily and some travel at night. So the main indicators for me of this activity are the flocks of geese.

I have traveled to South Platte a few times to see the migration. I don't do it often enough. The highways between here and there can turn in a heartbeat from clear and dry to dangerous blizzards with drifts higher than a car. But the main reason is that my sense of spring approaching doesn't really come alive until mid March and by then the birds are gone.

The largest part of the annual migration arrives in early February. The lakes are frozen here, the ground inhospitable. I have to wonder about the landscape that these birds are hurrying toward. It surely can't be any more welcoming the farther north they travel.

The resting area in the wetlands is unbelievable. I once counted 70+ golden eagles in a bare cottonwood tree. One of hundred of trees around the ponds, each full of eagles.

I saw snow geese and swans so crowded together on ponds that I was reminded of overcrowded knick knack shelves.

Five foot tall sandhill cranes, so many in a cornfield that they surpass any crowded mall at Christmas time. Thousands and thousands of birds, as far as the eye could see. As I approached them, even though their legs are as long as mine, they did not walk away. They would make a small jump into the air, spread their enormous wings and glide 50 feet away. Feet trailing a few inches above the ground, an apparently effortless change of position. Occasionally one would lift his enormous wings over his head in a beginning courtship display. The sound of the flock chattering to each other was deafening.

I saw every sort of hawk and falcon, crowded together in trees, motionless, silent, unmoved by my presence, photographed often and by better than me.

The birds arrive in February and by the first week in March they are gone. Some rest for weeks, pick mates, court and dance and eat. Others come in and rest motionless for days or weeks and move on. Some arrive in large noisy flocks. Some travel with a mate or last year's offspring. Some are flying totally alone.

I have been incredibly moved by this gathering since I first witnessed it. And humbled.

Long ago our first ancestors came down from the trees and moved into the caves. Found fire, art, community, tools, building, teaching and learning. Civilizations have been born, died and their remains have disappeared. Wars have been fought, won and lost. We have been proud of our learning, our building, our skyscrapers, our space shuttles, our 'power' over the earth.

And throughout all this time, the geese fly north every spring.

getting off to a good start

2009-01-02T18:53:00.000-07:00

I feel that I have, at least temporarily, cleared my mind of some of the incessant worthless chatter that had nearly consumed me a few years ago and still annoys me.
It is a continuous uphill battle but the small victories are worth it.

I am doing several things to fill my mind with more useful, enjoyable and even soothing things to think about.
I am taking a few minutes each day to do some meditating, even if I only have 5 or 10 minutes it is worthwhile.
I have started working on some of the things I want to learn in my spiritual life.
Like taking the time to really listen to Celtic Myth Podcast. It really can't be absorbed while driving or working.

I purchased some new books on assorted aspects of Goddess worship and modern Paganism. I have yet to find just the right book on Shamanism. I have thumbed through many but put them back for various reasons. I am open to suggestions, if anyone would like to send me the name of their favorite book on Shamanism I would at least check it out, but not promise to buy it.

And I am opening myself up to setting aside some serious time for my creative side. I used to be a semi serious artist but that part of me got pushed aside by letting my life run me for many years. I joined a couple of group blogs on creativity. I think that allowing myself to exercise some creativity in my pagan blogs has re-awakened that part of me.
I feel invigorated and like I am starting a new phase of my life.

potholes in my spiritual path

2008-12-29T19:21:00.000-07:00

I have previously and at great length related how I went from Catholic schoolgirl to tree hugging daughter of the Goddess so I won't go into all that again, but each of us come to this path in our own unique way and my path, I am discovering, has some large holes in it.

I have cruised along mostly on auto pilot since opening myself up to the Goddess and I have been most happy doing this, no regrets. I have just been happy to be released from the feeling of judgement and doom hanging over my head. I have done some magick on a semi regular basis and once I learned to just let go in my rituals I found that simple and from the heart gave me great satisfaction and peace. I have not really pushed myself to go farther, rather I have just let my curiousity drag me along in a scattered fashion.

I started the blog A Pagan Tapestry primarily as a learning experience for myself and it certainly has been that, and hopefully will continue to be. So as I am doing more and more studying and more and more research for the blog I am discovering some things lacking in my education.

On the plus side, I understand from many sources that I do some fairly advanced work in the Craft.
For example, I am heavily involve in working with the Elements, not just invoking and calling and asking them to guard but really working with them, often just with one of them, no other entities involved. Now supposedly (or so I read) this takes much study and dedication to the Craft, but I cheated. I have been talking to the Elements since I was a small child and have been guided by them often.

Another example, I have begun some formal study of Shamanism and find it fascinating, but again, I jumped ahead of where I should be. I have had a relationship with The Trickster of the southwest since I was in high school. I lived in New Mexico, spent quite a lot of time on the reservations and met some Healers and met The Trickster, so I did not come to know him through years of study and trial and error. He is another familiar entity that I made excuses for in my Catholic days.

On the minus side...I call myself Celtic. I am actually half Irish and my grandfather was an immigrant and full of stories about banshees and stuff. I do know most of the major Celtic gods and goddesses. I dedicated a (horse related) business to Epona, I give cursory salutes to the appropriate Goddesses at certain times of the year. I have even studied some of the nearly incomprehensible Celtic mythology. But I have never bothered to really study the myths for information about how better to relate to the deities. I have never really delved at any depth into the pantheon that I claim.
My relationship with them has been superficial.

The primary focus of my path to divinity has been The Goddess, the Mother Goddess, Mother Earth, Gaia, The Creator, whatever you want to call her/him. That won't change, but I do believe in a multitude of deities, not just multiple faces of one, and yet I have been neglecting all the rest.

So in this upcoming year I am planning to start filling in all those potholes in my path. I want to learn how people have related to the Elements over time, especially if they did not consider them childhood playmates, and how this relationship has evolved.

I want to start at the beginning of Shamanism and begin to learn the mysteries. Even The Trickster says this is a good idea, there is more to it than an overly familiar relationship with him.

And most important, I want to explore the history of the Celtic gods and goddesses and learn more about this history with a goal to develop a better understanding of them and a better relationship with them. A more personal relationship.

I plan to work on some of that here on this blog and it will spill over onto A Pagan Tapestry which will begin to reflect more "who" instead of the "what" that I have limited myself to.

It was a magickal morning

2008-12-27T20:18:00.000-07:00

I devoted quite a lot of time this morning to my cleansing plan.
I had my usual coffee, surf the net and try to wake up morning, until the sun started peeking over the horizon.

I took a shower, washed my hair, scrubbed with a wonderful sea salt and citrus scrub.
Then I set out an orange candle for my prosperity spell, my tiny plate with the candles for the god and goddess, a new large candle that I planned to dedicate to the Goddess, a row of tea lights for my four companion spirits (formerly known as saints) and my sage and citrus candle. I crumbled some dried white sage and some incense (lavender and sweetgrass) into a small cauldron.

I did my favorite morning ritual to greet the Elements and ask the blessings of the Goddess and God.

From there it got somewhat free flowing. I started lighting candles, invoking whomever the candles represented, dedicated the new candle to the Goddess and lit the sage. When the sage was burning well I put out the flames and allowed it to smoke. My banishing technique is not exactly by anyone's book. I just wandered through the house with the smoking sage, chatting with the Elementals and telling the negative energies to leave. Then I opened a few windows and let all the smoke out.

I did a candle spell for prosperity and business success with the orange candle, set it aside and did a dedication of the coming year to the Goddess.

Then I thanked everyone for coming, put out the candles and buried the sage ash in the flower garden. The house smelled clean, felt clean and I felt about 50 lbs lighter.
I have felt wonderful all day, even when I was freezing my poor feet off giving a riding lesson later in the day. I need to take the time and do this sort of thing more often, the payoff is wonderful

New Beginnings

2008-12-26T11:49:00.000-07:00

Isn't it amazing how often we say that? We get to do that, it's one of the few breaks that we (as a society) seem to be able to give ourselves.

I have been struggling with having to work part time in order to take care of my mother's medical and driving needs. I should be enjoying not working full time, but I am stressing over it instead. I have animal dependents and have never before worried about the financial end of taking care of them.

I am going to give myself a new beginning.

Tomorrow at dawn I will smudge the house and perform a ritual that will be a combination prosperity spell and an offering of the coming year to the Goddess.

I am going to jump whole heartedly into the freelance writing I have been doing in a somewhat haphazard way and I am going to give myself more time to be creative and enjoy painting and my new hobby of making earrings (a witch can't have too many earrings).

I am going to call on Peter's servitor (see previous post) and offer my energy and requests to him and see what happens. I am also going to take the plunge and create the entity that I have been thinking of creating to help me with my focus and ability to complete projects.

I avoid thinking of these as resolutions, they are already ongoing activities, I am going to renew my focus and strive to enjoy the process more.

Magickal Entities

2008-12-25T09:07:00.000-07:00

This was copied intact from Angels in the Whirlwind blog. The link is on my blog/podcast list at A Pagan Tapestry and also included at the end of this post. Or just click on the links here.

I haven't decided whether to make use of this servitor or not, I have been doing some studying on creating my own, which I still plan to do, but I am tempted to take part in Peter's experiment and see how many people send energy to this servitor and how many get assistance back from it.

Feel free to take part yourself. If you are not familiar with magickal entities you may want to do a little research first.
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Public Servitor is Here

25 December, 2008 by Peter

As promised, the servitor I created is ready for action. He’s been active for a short time, but I’m feeling pretty good about him. I would hope that you use him and thus, feed him energy. He grows in power and ability the more often he is fed.

Trocowlme (Tro-cowlh-me, with accent on middle syllable, COWL, H is silent) was initially created to attract wealth. In fact, his name came from this statement of intent, “Attract wealth to me.” After deleting vowels, and repeated letters, I got TRCWLHM. Then adding a vowel or two for pronunciation, he was named.

Rather than use the Rose Cross for his sigil, I used a more free form approach, yet the main letters are all in there. Really, there are lots of ways to create a sigil, and I’m not one to believe that there is only one right way.

Creating and using a new copy of Trocowlme:

Draw his sigil using any physical medium. If you prefer creating sacred space, feel free. Burning incense helps, such as patchouli. Then trace his sigil in the air, imagining you’re tracing in a blue-purple colour. You may use your forefinger of your strong hand, or your wand.
It’s best to create a hard copy of his sigil, and maybe give him a place of honour in your home. His sigil is below.
You may then send Trocowlme the energy he needs. Remember, the more energy you invest, the better the results will be. Imagine what you would like him to accomplish.
Instruct Trocowlme as to what you would require. Remember, also, that true wealth is more than money. This was actually my intention.
After instruction him, send him on his way, simply by telling him he may leave. Then FORGET what you just did. Dismiss it from your mind. Go distract yourself. Whatever it takes. Have fun with this. And please let me know what you’ve accomplished. Add this post to your blog if you wish. No need to ask. He’s public domain. Just please credit me - what the hell! The more people who use him, the better.

You can also scroll down to my other posts on servitors and servitor creation. Happy creating!

It's Christmas Eve

2008-12-24T18:56:00.000-07:00

I have always enjoyed Christmas Eve. When I was a child we would go to midnight Mass which was a ritual to put all rituals to shame. The full blown Latin High Mass took a couple of hours and the music for Christmas would knock your socks off. Add candles and incense and a pipe organ and it was like being transported in time. It was disorienting to go back outside.

I grew up with a love of ritual, that was probably the easiest part of the leap from Catholicism to Paganism, both consider the gods worthy of a good ritual in their name.

Christmas Eve has always seemed quiet and peaceful to me. I gave up hysterical shopping, wrapping and stressing years ago, actually about the time it started being stressful instead of fun.

This year we have Solstice, Christmas and the New Moon all within a week. That's a lot of energy no matter how you label it and I have a feeling that this is an important time to work some magick.

Winter Solstice

2008-12-20T08:34:00.000-07:00

I love the winter solstice, I always have. I can remember as a small child telling my mother that solstice came first and Christmas was picked as Jesus' birthday because it was already such an important day. I have no idea where I got that at that age.

I have always lived where there are seasons, I do not ever want to live where there are no seasons, the constant change and rebirth fuels my own life. But I also suffer from the lack of daylight as solstice approaches. Right now this region is at approximately 8 hours of daylight and 16 hours of dark, I am reaching my limit. I spend time outside no matter what the weather, but at this point I am becoming sluggish and irritable. Winter in this area is really January, February and March, but this dark time of the year is the only time I find depressing.

As solstice approaches, my body, my spirit and my very soul are crying 'enough is enough.' So I take the modern approach, print out the NOAA chart of sunrise and sunset times for my location, hang it on the refrigerator and check it everyday until spring is well under way.

I know that thousands of years ago the elders of the clans marked the travels of the sun in some way and the practice has continued today. We even still think of it as the sun returning although we know better.

Celebrating the solstice is one of the rituals that we perform each year that we can be certain that we share with pagans of long ago.

meditation addiction?

2008-12-14T20:18:00.000-07:00

I was reading Gypsy's blog, Barefoot in the Sand and found myself nodding along as I read. She was talking about making a renewed effort to take time for her spiritual practice on a daily basis.

I have similar problems, most of us do. Rush rush rush, we don't seem to find a few minutes for ourselves on a regular, daily basis. I have mentioned this before and the response that I nearly always get is along the lines of; don't feel obligated, fit the time in here and there, you don't have to do ritual when you don't have time.

The problem for me is not that I feel obligated....what I feel is a craving.

I came to Paganism and associated practices such as meditation in middle age. I lived my whole life with a wrathful god looking over my shoulder and a negative voice in my mind chiding me all day, every day in an eternal chant of blame, guilt and worry.

When I embraced Wicca, I gave Abraham's god the boot without a qualm. I leaped into rituals to the Goddess and magick with great enthusiasm and little effect for a long while. When I first practiced meditation I experienced the usual frustration and disbelief that this could actually accomplish anything.

When I finally started to learn how to draw energy and release it and then gradually began to experience the energy and the effects of ritual and magick, when I finally experienced the profound sense of awe in performing a full moon ritual to honor the Goddess, when I finally started to learn to meditate....I did not want to go without the benefits of practicing the Craft.

So it is not a matter of feeling obligated to spend time this way...it is a positive addiction and craving.

When I take the time and do a ritual for the Goddess I feel at once connected to this planet and at the same time aware of how a mere scattering of dust we are in the universe. When I take time to do meditation, my entire day is different. I am grounded. I am less likely to experience road rage on my commute, to be frustrated with a co worker, to join in the daily complaining. I feel connected to the energy of the planet and it grounds and calms me.
Before any of these experiences came into my life, I certainly didn't miss them, I thought I was just fine

Now, like any addict, I crave my fix. I crave being grounded, feeling at peace, letting the noise in my mind fade into the background. I do need this time for myself and I need, like Gypsy, to make the time happen, no matter what.

limited success

2008-12-09T17:43:00.000-07:00

I have continued to do the meditation that I described in my last post, hoping to contact my spirit guide again. I have had some mixed success. The central room that my meditation takes me to has many hallways leading off of it. I have met my spirit guide again and we have walked down one of the hallways together. He does not speak and all the doors are closed. I feel only curious, but we don't open any of the doors.

My spirit guide now appears to me either as the Native American man as he did originally or alternately as a movie version of Merlin.

After puzzling over this, I decided that the reason this meditation is not progressing is that my analytical mind is still interfering with my intuitive mind and perhaps scoffing at the whole thing. "If you want to talk to a wizard, HERE'S a wizard." And so I get the Merlin version.

I have spent my whole life being analytical and skeptical, I suppose that I should not hope to just tell that part of me to shut up and let my intuition speak and expect to have it work like a light switch.

I am finding this all fascinating, but I hope that I am not stuck in a loop.

pathwalking?

2008-12-04T19:57:00.000-07:00

I want to record this because I hope to have something to compare it to soon.

I was doing a guided meditation, one of the meditations on Ariel's site at the DCW.
It involves getting to know your spirit guide by getting in touch with your intuitive mind. The guided part of the meditation takes you through some relaxation exercises. It then walks you down a stairway and into an area where you see a light. At that point in the meditation you are on your own.
I had done this exercise several times and found no insights from my intuition but I did find that it was a good relaxation meditation because the guided part did a good job of quieting my mind. I found it relaxing and energizing at the same time.

One evening I was doing this meditation and when I went down the stairs, for the first time I found myself in a room that I could describe. It was a wide hallway. The walls and floor were large stone blocks. The doorways and the ceiling were arched. It was dimly lit, but it felt warm and comfortable and familiar. The light described in the guided part of the meditation came down a long hallway and gradually lit the whole area. There were other hallways, unlit and lots of closed doors. To my left was a well lit room, also made of stone. In it was a long trestle table and sitting at the table facing me was an elderly Native American man. He was wearing a Navajo blanket over his shoulders and over his head like a hood. When I approached he pushed the hood off his head. He appeared quite old, with grey white long hair. He motioned for me to sit down opposite him, which I did. He told me that he was my spirit guide. I told him that was impossible because even though I had not yet found my spirit guide, I was quite sure that it would be an animal guide. He told me that I was being foolish and not paying attention or I would know that he was a shapeshifter and could become any animal.
He then changed into a raven and flew up and perched on a high shelf. I approached him and he started to say something to me...

At this point my cat jumped into my lap and broke the trance.

I have done this meditation several times since and have not had any luck in continuing the conversation or even finding my guide again. One time I did explore another room, but no one was there. Most of the time I am finding it hard to relax and let the meditation take me where it wants to. I know I am trying too hard.
I hope to find that state again and see what happens.

now to the good stuff

2008-12-04T19:03:00.000-07:00

So far this has been a chronological account of a long boring trek from Catholic school girl to a tree hugging, dirt loving daughter of the Goddess.
Now the fun part begins.

Having (finally!) accepted the spiritual path that I was supposed to be on....many, many doors had opened for me. I am going to discuss some explorations here. No more order to the rest of this.

a blog is born

2008-12-03T19:03:00.001-07:00

And that brings us nearly up to date. After listening to the pagan podcasts for a while and hearing new ones come on the air I wanted to be involved somehow, reach out and contact other pagans. About 6 months ago I started a blog, didn't like it, deleted it, pondered over it and then started A Pagan Tapestry. I have greatly enjoyed it. Researching information for the blog and some really great comments from readers has led me to think about and question and re affirm my feelings and beliefs.

It took well over 20 years from my first inkling of a Goddess religion to get to where I am today. I am comfortable with my beliefs and with who I am. I am not a public Wiccan, but neither am I in the broom closet. If someone asks I will tell them that I am Wiccan. I find that the subject doesn't come up any more frequently than it did when I was Catholic, which is to say, rarely. Most of the people I know can have discussions and spend time with each other without accosting someone about their politics or religion. (Something politicians don't seem to get.)

But while I am finally comfortable with being honest about what I really believe about the universe, I have discovered another great thing about being pagan.
There is so much to learn and discuss and no one wants to restrict or interpret or explain away whatever you learn. I am just beginning to realize all the things that I want to know more about.

The remainder of this blog will be a more current exploration of my journey into the many facets of paganism and metaphysics that this path has opened up to me.

enter, stage left, the Podkin

2008-11-30T20:28:00.000-07:00

Long after everyone else was bored with the concept...I discovered podcasting.
Mostly I was fascinated at the prospect of saving up all those NPR shows and listening to them whenever I wished.

Then I discovered Pagan Podcasters. I had to pinch myself, I was dreaming.
Real life people, talking about a spiritual path and how it impacted their everyday lives.
No costume parties, no snarling teenage Goths, no super intense self proclaimed High Priestess invading my personal space to tell me about her intense relationship with the dark goddess.
Real people, normal people, with interesting topics to talk about.
Dubbed 'The Podkin' by Mojo at The Wigglian Way, many pagan podcasters have cheerfully acknowledged the title and give enthusiastic reviews of each others shows, ensuring that any listener has multiple shows to listen to.

I began to see that there really were many many people just like me, normal working folks who were just following a different spiritual path from the 'norm.' A path that involved learning and practicing and mostly importantly, a sense of joy.

I downloaded and listened to every pagan podcast I could find. I still do. I check out each new addition to the podkin world as quickly as word spreads. With only a few exceptions, I continue to listen to nearly all of them on a regular basis. Different points of view on a much agreed upon topic are enlightening and entertaining.

For the first time I felt part of the Neo-Pagan movement in this country, in the world.
Part of the 21st century rejection of the fear and grovelling of so many religions and part of the path of knowledge and learning.

status quo

2008-11-27T11:20:00.001-07:00

So this became normal. I knew what I believed, I prayed to the Goddess, my rituals were primarily just appreciating the beauty of an outdoor walk. I made it a point to go outside where there were few or no people to just appreciate the moment. Spellwork was sporadic, I was still unsure of it.

Then I started finding sites on the internet that became the next step in my education.
Joelle's Sacred Grove is a lovely site with a lot of Celtic information and some good Wicca 101 info. As an aside I was pleased to visit it recently and find that it had been updated. It sat untouched for several years and I was afraid it had been abandoned.

That led to Magicka School. Magicka School is a (mostly) free school of magick that is well organized and well run. There are lots of beginner level classes to chose from that are all free including all the study material. There is a smaller set of advanced classes that require a small fee.
I signed up with Magicka and read everything that my level allowed. I really liked the HUGE chat rooms that included private chats for students with their mentor/instructor.
Unfortunately, life intervened to stop me from completing any classes. A family member diagnosed with cancer meant that I had to quit my full time job, find a part time job and sandwich all the appointments, schedules etc into the remaining time.
I just did not have the focus or time to study the material or take the tests.
I feel badly about that, my instructor was very helpful and patient but I just could not come up with the energy.
So everything except an occasional ritual and prayer went on hold for almost two years.
That may not have been a bad thing. It gave me a lot of time to sort out my feelings about this path, resolve old conflicts with my Catholic upbringing and decide on a course of action for the future.
I knew at this point that being a passive follower of the Goddess, as many people are passive in their religion, was not what I wanted. I wanted to study, to practice magick, to learn more about all the little bits of information that kept floating past me without meaning as I read articles and books.
I was growing a list of subjects to look into;

divination, especially the Tarot

differences in magickal practices, i.e., earth magick, green magick, wiccan magick, kitchen magick, high magick, magick with and without a spiritual aspect

The Golden Dawn, the Kabbalah and High Magic

symbols in magickal writings

history of the Old Religions with an eye to making connections to neoPagan beliefs

I was beginning to study more and practice less....a conundrum that has plagued me since the start of this journey and continues to.

reaching out for the first time

2008-11-22T07:23:00.000-07:00

So I had become a student extraordinaire, reading everything I could find. Of course, I wasn't actually doing any rituals, casting spells or even meditating. I was just reading.
I was fascinated but still a little put off by this stuff, that good Catholic upbringing still peering over my shoulder.

I was living near Boulder, Colorado, a city that is an odd collection of non-conformists hogging the roads on their bicycles and dedicated yuppies in BMWs. But they are all quite proud of their diametrically opposed neighbors and nearly anything goes.

I found some notices in bookstores of pagan social gatherings, usually at someone's house. This was before meetup.com and before Homeland Security told us that all strangers are terrorists and back when people actually invited groups into their homes.

Unfortunately, these groups were not going to do me any good. They were big into costumes and parroting lines from movies, but little else. I supposed I should have expected nothing less from a notice in a bookstore, but I was a seeker at a crossroads, trying to determine which way to go.

For the next year or so I alternated finding groups like this and burying my books under piles of other books. It finally occurred to me that no one was going to take my hand, set me down in a pew and tell me how all this works. Looking back, if I had somehow found a coven that was willing to take me on, it probably would have been the worst thing that could have happened.

So I dragged those semi-discarded books out again, starting with Cunningham and re read them. This time instead of reading like a student, I started looking for what seemed right to me, what I questioned and why and how to start thinking for myself about this new path.

I also started doing rituals, which at that time closely resembled Christian prayer, and even casting a few tentative spells. There was immediate feedback for my fumbling, bumbling but earnestly performed spells, but the rituals left a bad taste in my mouth.
Still, I was encouraged enough to continue.

the spiral dance

2008-11-15T20:25:00.000-07:00

Now I was haunting the bookstores.
The Barnes & Noble in one part of town has a half dozen books on magick that don't have titles that sounds like witchcraft and they are scattered through the New Age section. Another Barnes & Noble about 15 miles away has an entire section on Witchcraft, Wicca and Paganism. Borders carries almost nothing about witchcraft in the books area, but they carry the Llewellyn Witches Datebook and Witches Almanac in the stationary/junk section. Very strange. The only thing I ever bought at a chain bookstore was a delightful little book on Fairies titled "Fairies 101."

I did find two bookstores that call themselves metaphysical stores, one is just a few block from me, the other is across town but worth the drive.

I bought and read "The Spiral Dance" remembering that Starhawk was featured in those Canadian films that fascinated me. Then I bought Cunningham's "Crystal, Gem and Metal Magic" and then I found "Cottage Witchery." I did a review on Cottage Witchery on A Pagan Tapestry, you can see that here if you like.

I was enjoying this quite a lot, but also beginning to want a little more depth to the information that I was getting.

surfing around the web....

2008-11-13T19:17:00.000-07:00

Surfing around the web yielded what looked like a lot of information, but shortly turned into the same information repeated over and over. I didn't really know what I was looking for and the google results for Wicca or witchcraft gives limited returns as far as original material.

I put together a list of metaphysical bookstores in the area and set out to find one. Most, I am sorry to say, had closed. I had no idea how old my list was, but there were buildings on the (former) sites of some stores that had been there for years.

I thought I had found one, it turned out the old bookstore sign was still up.
I went inside and found a magician's paradise....if you were a 10 year old boy adept at sleight of hand.
But I asked the owner about the bookstore sign and he said that they had moved and gave me the new address.
The owner there was very helpful and gave me a copy of....ta da! Cunningham's Wicca for the Solitary Practitioner.

Looking back I feel very fortunate. Cunningham is just the right blend of spirituality, magick and 'there is more to learn' for many novices such as myself, unsure of exactly what we are looking for.

If I had picked up some of the whack-job books out there....or even one of the more advanced books on magick, I probably would have run for the hills.

Instead, like so many others in my shoes, I read with fascination that the things that I felt and believed and was afraid to say to anyone else for fear of being ridiculed, was a real religion. And further more, it was based on the idea that people have always worshipped the Goddess, the God, the Divine, the Source, whatever you want to call it, from a basic belief in the value of nature and its natural cycles.

A whole new world had opened up for me.
At the time I was working in a job with a high level security clearance and most of my friends leaned more toward the atheist and agnostic variety than the church variety, so I did not run out and buy a big gaudy pentacle to wear, stick a "Goddess Bless" bumper sticker on my car or leave books on witchcraft laying around on my desk at work.

But what is more important is that I felt pure, unrelenting joy in the idea of what was to come.

subtle wasn't working so...

2008-11-11T17:31:00.000-07:00

The Goddess eventually must have decided that I must not be very bright and certainly in need of help. She had send subtle and not so subtle messages through a variety of people and circumstances, all of which I had single mindedly ignored.

So one day I logged onto the old EZ Board to my favorite chat group, a very small group who had been chatting together on various forums for almost 10 years. I logged on regularly, had it bookmarked, in my favorites and in my menu. I did not type anything in myself, my computer had faithfully found the right page for many years.

This time I found myself on a witch forum. Very low key, fun and friendly. They were not into any heavy discussions, but the admin was a green witch, so were others and the discussions were fun. What on earth was I doing there and why didn't I just try for the right page again? I don't know, but I read the posts over and over, eventually I logged in and asked for help. I was directed to a long list of websites, fortunately one about Celtic traditions caught my eye. It was a good choice and for the first time I found myself reading about Witchcraft with an open mind.

a system of personal beliefs

2008-11-08T18:21:00.001-07:00

Over the years I slowly put into words and context the things that I believed, that I felt to be true, that I had really never questioned my whole life. These were the things that just were. With or without my belief.

I sorted them out, expressed them out loud and acknowledged them. By doing so I built a 'belief system' for lack of a better description that stopped being random thoughts and became a foundation.

Some of these were/are:

Mother Earth is not a cute expression, Mother Earth (now I call her Goddess) is as real as the earth, older than the earth and would like to communicate with us.

There is something that binds all of the universe together, something sentient. Energy, an energy source, the source, the force, now I call it Akasha.

There is a spirit of life in all things, living or not, that is part of that network of energy.

Magick is real. Black, white or grey, mystical or practical, I have always felt that it was as real as the earth itself. There are also lots of tricks and cons and crap floating around labeled magic so it is hard to know when you stumble across the real thing if you are not aware.

There are spirits, entities, ghosts, wraiths, life forces....whatever the label...all around us. Some are aware of us, some interact with us and some are oblivious, possibly even malevolent (the jury is still out on that one), ie, the four 'saints' that I used to appeal to a lot as a child, still do on occasion, who always answered me.

If you can conceive of it, it can be. Telepathy, telekinesis, psychic abilities, shape shifting....you name it, someone has done it, others have tried, some will succeed in the future. Again, like magic....lots of stories, myths, cons, tricks and games appear to be the same thing. But this doesn't mean that the phenomenon are not real, just rare.

I also totally believe in science, in the scientific method, in research and questioning and proving and disproving and that a huge dose of skepticism is a good thing.

I do not believe in creationism, in most miracles, in taking any 'sacred text' literally. I recognize a good myth when I read one. Storytelling has always been a much prized art form for our species and continues to be so. The kernels of truths hidden in the myths, the directions pointed to by the myths, those are the real truths hidden for only those who truly want to find them.

All of these things tied together in a way that made sense to me. My firm belief is that most if not all of what I believe will someday move from the realm of faith and myth into the realm of proven science. The recent discovery of what physicists call dark matter and I call Akasha is reassuring to me along that line of thought.

So I came up with my own set of beliefs, my private dogma. I assumed that others who had grown up in a similar fashion had probably also found their own foundations, individually, privately, like myself.

the beginning of a search

2008-11-07T05:32:00.001-07:00

So I had rejected the Church, and along with it all organized, dogma driven Christian religions. I had rejected neo-paganism because the Church was still looking over my shoulder. But now I was becoming aware that I wanted a name for the spiritual path that I was on.

I had never rejected the idea of the Divine, only the dogma of controlling humans. So now I began to explore non traditional spiritual paths (non traditional from my perspective, of course). Buddhism, Taoism, Shinto, North American spiritualism, others I can't remember. Shinto struck a cord with me on an intellectual level but, even though I tried, I could not make an emotional connection. North American spiritualism was the same, with the exception of the shamanic shape shifters, which struck a cord with me.

My interest waxed and waned but now it was always lurking in the back of my mind.

The White Goddess

2008-11-06T07:15:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine gave me a copy of The White Goddess by Robert Graves.
Graves gives us his version of the goddess mythology based on a romantic view of matriarchal societies and agrarian goddess worshiping societies of the pre-Christian era. He openly admits that he is a poet and not a historian, but nonetheless, spins a compelling story.

Wouldn't you think that this would start to click for me, at least a little?

Looking back on this time I have to view my travels sort of like this:
My agnostic life was traveling down a broad, well paved path. I keep coming across these paths of bread crumbs that cross my path. Mostly I step over them, sometimes I peer along them and see that they curve out of sight in both directions, but I continue on. Without warning, the path I am on begins to narrow, become rutted and even disappear in spots, while the breadcrumb path has grown into a well defined footpath crossing mine. But I persevere. I am a model of tunnel vision.

Goddess Remembered

2008-11-05T17:02:00.000-07:00

In 1990 Canadian Public Broadcasting aired a trilogy of films. Goddess Remembered, The Burning Times and Full Circle.

These films traced the birth of the neo-pagan movement, which at the time was very closely tied to both the environmental movement and the women's movement.
I know now that it was historically inaccurate, but it opened my eyes to the idea that the old religions were not buried in the past, they are alive today.

Starhawk gives several interviews in these films and while I know that she has been criticized for her strongly stated ties between neo-paganism and environmental activism, she is a passionate voice for the women's movement as well as environmental concerns, which echoed with me.

I recorded the videos and watched the films over and over again. I did not know or care about whether the history was accurate, I wanted every detail of the neo-pagan movement and how much of old agricultural beliefs and rituals had come forward into this time.

I felt an overpowering emotional tug to explore this further, but in the end my Catholic upbringing won out.

Even though I had roundly rejected the Church and had no second thoughts about that I could not make the leap. Goddess worship, rituals, magick, secrecy, satanism, dark rites, manipulation....the Church had bound them all together for me into one neat package.

While I recognized this on an intellectual level and I felt a strong pull on a deeper level toward Paganism....I found myself watching the tapes one more time, making the judgement that those people were well intentioned kooks messing around with stuff better left alone...and I turned my back.

the Goddess is calling, pick up the phone

2008-11-04T18:26:00.000-07:00

In my thirties the Goddess and a good friend of mine tried desperately to get my attention and show me what I really wanted, but I was deaf and blind.

This was in the 80s and most people living any sort of alternative lifestyle did not go around waving a flag about it. I had a friend who was in her fifties and got divorced. She told me that now she was free to be a pagan. A few months later I asked her about a group that she met with every few weeks (or was it once a month!?!!). I was a little hurt that I was never invited. She told me it was a pagan group.

Here is how dense I was. I thought she was just saying that she liked to party (pagan=party), and she liked to party with women her own age. I was really shut down to hearing anything that might open up a need to explore a spiritual life.

She never mentioned it again and it never occurred to me to question it.

A few years later I was visiting the town where she lived and my most beloved dog got out of my car and got lost. I was distraught. Many, many people tried to help me find the dog, including my friend. After a few days of hysteria on my part she told me to come to her house. She did what she called a ritual and had me just visualize the dog while she played with some candles and the dog's leash. I was very upset and I think that because I thought she was praying, I just played along trying to humor her and waiting for her to get done so we could go back out and keep looking for the dog.

I was oblivious, but I know now that she was casting a spell. The next day someone called and said he had found the dog. In fact he had her all along and had been planning to keep her because he thought it was a shame that she was running loose, but changed his mind.

It was a really really good spell.

How many ways are there to say "duh"

beginning life as an agnostic

2008-11-03T05:21:00.001-07:00

In my 20s the realities of being Catholic set it. The Church forbade divorce, birth control, abortion, stated that sex was solely for the purpose of procreation, denied women equal rights within the Church and implied that for a woman to do anything other than stay at home and raise kids, lots of kids, was contrary to the spirit, if not the laws, of the Church.

One thing that I did agree with was that you can't pick and choose. You are either Catholic, do what you are told to do, believe what you are told to believe, or you are not. It is not a menu from your favorite Chinese restaurant and it isn't Burger King.

I chose not.

I began to call myself agnostic and steered away from anything to do with religion, any religion. I was totally and completely uninterested, uncurious and less than friendly to the assorted missionaries that came to my door.

Although, in direct contradiction to this, I did continue to have conversations with and sometimes ask for help from 4 saints. They had helped me since early childhood, always responded to my prayers and did not seem to care that I had rejected the religion that they had died for. They were Anthony, Jude, Christopher and Francis.

Malleus Maleficarum

2008-11-02T07:15:00.001-07:00

Malleus Maleficarum. The Latin title translates as 'Hammer of Witches' and it is known somewhat sarcastically as 'How to Burn a Witch.'
It is also known as the Inquisitor's Handbook. Written by two influential Dominican monks taking part in the Inquisition, it is a detailed instruction guide for locating, identifying and executing witches. The above link will take you to an online translation.

The fear, paranoia and single minded zeal of the authors is a study in psychosis and mob psychology. Right from the start the Church alternated endorsing it and turning a blind eye. While the lunatics involved hands-on in the torture and death of an unknown number* of people were no doubt passionate believers in their just cause, the higher ups in the Church were taking a larger world view and attempting to bring a wandering population to heel.

By the 20th century the Church had long ago swept this unsavory history under the rug and Malleus Maleficarum was banned reading for all good Catholics with the exception of religious scholars. When two of my high school Franciscan priest teachers brought this book into the curriculum, there was quite a stir over it. Enough to appeal to the bishop to tell them to stop. The bishop, being unfrightened of discussing the Church's past, declined.

I was truly horrified at this new look at the Inquisition, which I had previously been taught was a war waged by the heroic religious leaders against the 'Evil Empire' du jour.

Even with a decidedly Catholic slant and justification of these times, there is no denying the fact that it was mass murder for political maneuvering and that it went on and on and on. What better way to whip any dissenting voices into compliance than the very real threat of a grisly death? What better way to distract and control the masses than by whipping up hysteria and fear and then pointing them at a victim offered up to appease the mob?

Mob psychology has been used by the strong to control the weak (minded) since before recorded history and continues today.
The degree of control and the extended period of time that the Inquisition went on is testimony to the abilities and tenacity of the controllers.

I found that this information was something that I just couldn't get past. While I had been willing to believe that the victims of this time were indeed in league with the devil and so deserved their fate; a more realistic portrayal of human fear and guilt and greed and manipulation painted a picture of a Dark Ages indeed and one of a system of combined religion/government run amok.

I might have been more able to reconcile this history with what I believed the Church to be had I been aware of a more realistic portrayal of the past right from the start. But I had learned and believed what I had been taught. Devoutly believed it.
The betrayal of my own loyalty, faith and trust was as shattering as learning a bit of history.

My god had feet of clay.
_____________________________________________________
* Estimates of the number of people killed in the combined Inquisitions, which lasted over 500 years, vary wildly from tens of thousands to millions. Scholars generally agree that millions would have decimated the population, which obviously did not happen. The numbers I see most often are between 30,000 and 300,000. Part of the difficulty is in the record keeping. Relatively small numbers (thousands to approx 30,000) were executed by Church officials. While vast numbers may have been executed by civil courts. Turning victims over to the local authorities was a common way of distancing the Church officials from the murders when they really wanted people removed but needed the complicity of the locals to avoid recrimination.

history lessons from the Franciscans

2008-11-01T07:38:00.000-06:00

In high school, it was back to parochial school. This time to a very small school of a few hundred students taught by Franciscan nuns and priests. The Franciscans have traditionally been an order that lived in the communities where they worked and did not sequester themselves behind walls.

There was an interesting dichotomy among the staff. The nuns were all of an age to be past retirement and except for classes rarely left the cloister. The priests were mostly young, several had played football at Notre Dame. They were active, athletic, academic.
They attended the sports events and dances and loved teaching. After two years at this school I was way ahead of the state requirements to graduate from high school.

I also, for the first time, started learning some things about the Church that were directly opposed to what I had previously been taught. I learned for the first time that the Church, historically, had not been a single minded, dedicated force for good marching the high road through the barbaric times. I learned about the politics and intrigue and feuds that carried on sometimes for centuries and shaped modern Europe. I heard a more balanced view about the Crusades and the fallout that followed.

I was fascinated by this history. These priests were dedicated, passionate and intellectual in their approach to their faith and wanted their students to recognize the human frailties in the Church and still love it, as they did.

I began to separate my faith from a pursuit for historical accuracy and reconcile the two. Until we got to the Inquisition and a little book called Malleus Maleficarum.

more lessons from grade school

2008-10-31T19:44:00.001-06:00

While I was in grade school I learned that differences between boys and girls were important. Boys got the big part of the playground and were allowed to play ball. Girls were not supposed to run and if you wanted to play jump rope you had to wear shorts under your skirt.

Girls sang in the choir and had to have permission to go into the church and were forbidden to go past the altar rail. Boys were altar boys and had the run of the church and even the sacristy. Choir practice for the girls was taught by a nun with nothing but music on her mind. The boys hung out and even played ball with the priests.

When I went to junior high I transferred to a public school. The difference was incredible. My education was way ahead of the kids I now went to school with, but my attitudes and social skills were right out of the Middle Ages.

In junior high I discovered cheerleaders. No, I wasn't one, I was one of the multitude of kids who watched their every movement, toss of the hair, laugh and clothes.
So I discovered that girls could have power too, even more than boys, but there was a cost.

And being outside of my parochial world for the first time, it occurred to me that if anyone not baptized Catholic was destined for hell....it was going to be one crowded place.

storing tidbits away

2008-10-30T19:03:00.000-06:00

At the same time that I was being indoctrinated into Catholicism, tiny tidbits of knowledge were being stored away. These would turn into the seeds of a full scale rebellion later in my life.

As a child in parochial school, I was devout. I am not sure exactly what I was devout about, but I was nearly fanatical. Looking back I realize that I felt no attachment whatsoever to the Catholic God, the Holy Trinity. As far as I was concerned he was just another adult who seemed to be mad at something all the time. There were lots of adults around just like him. Keep on his good side, stay out of sight. I wondered how Jesus managed to not piss him off.

I did feel great attachment to the rituals of religion. The Latin Mass was still said everyday and on special days the Latin High Mass was sung. I think if I walked into a Church today and heard a Latin High Mass being sung I would weep with joy.

Believer or not, those are rituals suitable for a God. Latin, candles, incense, incredible music....remind you of any good rituals lately?

hmmm, ANYWAY, I was most certainly taken with the rituals....all of them. Rosaries following the Stations of The Cross, morning Mass before school, learning the hymns by heart. Everyone knew the responses for a Low Mass, but at age 8 I could wend my way through a High Mass unassisted.
I collected Holy Cards. Those were playing card size depictions of Saints, generally full of arrows or swords, sometimes just standing around with a halo. On the back of the card would be interesting information about the Saint and the bloody end that earned them their official Sainthood. Modern child psychologists would have a field day with these.

I fantasized about becoming a nun. Not the kind that taught English and Geography. No, a Carmelite nun. Vows of silence, penance weeding the garden. That stuff. I liked the outfit.

But at age 7 the first crack appeared in the perfection of the Church. I learned that my very best friend, who lived next door, who seemed like a nice person, was going straight to hell. No way around it, no arguing would help. She was not a baptized Catholic and therefore she was going to hell.

I explained this to her and asked her to at least get baptized, we could fake the rest.
She laughed. Laughed! Obviously she did not understand. I appealed to the nuns. I begged my friend. No help from either side.

This was the first tidbit that I stored away.

starting at the beginning....

2008-10-29T19:13:00.001-06:00

I was raised Catholic in a fairly typical post WWII Catholic family. More than two kids, Catholic schools, Mass on Sunday and Holydays. I don't remember my parents as being especially religious, but the Church was definitely part of our lives. We didn't do any of the social stuff, but we never missed Sunday Mass and the Bible and rosaries were present in the house.
I don't recall an especially close relationship with my maternal grandparents, my grandfather died when I was 6 and shortly after we moved far away from where my grandmother lived, but they must have had an influence. They were Irish, first generation American, and I picked up from them a little Celtic lore, mostly banshees and little people. I took this sort of thing to heart, to the dismay of the nuns during my early days in parochial schools, before I learned to shut up.